Kirstie Allsopp, renowned TV personality and crafting aficionado, recently found herself branded, as she herself described, “the globe’s worst parent.” This title was given due to her decision to allow her 15-year-old son to backpack around Europe with only his 16-year-old friend and his father’s credit card as companions.
This incident, that was made public when she chose to share it on her Instagram, led to heated divisions among her circa 820,000 followers across platforms. Some compared it to their solo expeditions across Norfolk Fens with a mere bag of crisps in their hand at the age of five, while others, who still have their parents chauffeur them, even in their 30s, strongly disagreed. The incident sparked a storm of polarised opinions, an accusation that brought Britain’s social services into the picture, and even a question on a YouGov survey. When the survey asked if it was okay for a 15-year-old to gallivant around Europe solo, the responses were 30 per cent in support, 55 per cent against, and the rest were unsure. Regrettably, there was no provision for people to select an option that said, “None of my business”.
In this modern era, how one raises their children has become a fiercely debated public concern. From deciding the right age for childbirth to determining when they should be allowed to attend school independently, or when to introduce them to smartphones (I’m guilty of offering my two cents on this matter), or start their skincare routine, there’s no dearth of advice, opinions, and corresponding outcry. Instagram is filled with subcultures designed to make one feel incompetent about their child-rearing practices, such as what they pack for their child’s lunchtime meals, along with another that’s entirely devoted to criticising the self-righteous lunch box influencers.
Historically, parenting was a straightforward task undertaken by past generations. However, in modern culture, it has evolved into battle lines with different styles such as free-range, helicopter, snowplough, tiger, panda or even the type who intricately shapes celery into dinosaurs for their child’s lunch. The question is, why do we find the need to categorise ourselves into these tribes and engage in hostilities with those who parent differently? My suspicion is that all parents, regardless of their parenting style, are unified by anxiety and fear.
Headlines this week prominently featured Ireland’s well-known ‘tiger parents’. Enoch Burke, a 36-year-old father, was notable for dropping his child off for his inaugural day of school in a rural sector of Co Westmeath at 9.15 am. He bade farewell to his dad and was set to begin his solitary shift at the school gate, the same school from which he was barred as a teacher.
The parenting approach of the Burkes appears to be diametrically opposed to the Allsopps as if they might dwell in separate universes. However, after reading about both these families this week, I realised that perhaps they’re motivated by overlapping concerns. It’s typically unwise to try to read into other people’s motivations. Luckily, we don’t need to do much guessing in this case, as both Allsopp and Martina Burke, Enoch’s mum, have openly expressed their points of view.
Over this week, Allsopp made it a point to clarify her reasons behind letting her son embark on his inter-railing journey. She worries about our society becoming more averse to risks and cites research by Jonathan Haidt and others implying a connection between less freedom, trust and an increase in mental health issues among youths.
Martina Burke, well-recognized previously as a homeschooling mum of ten, does not interface much with the media anymore. However, during her limelight, she shared her perspectives on a radio talk about rearing her offspring and took her role as a parent with utmost dedication. Whatever occurred, she perceived it as her obligation. Moreover, she commented on how numerous individuals advised her prompting methods, yet none of it appeared to be effective because a considerable number of youth are grappling with mental health issues, anxiety and related concerns. Regardless of what one feels about the Burke’s style of parenting, it resonates with many.
Recently, there seems to be incessant updates accentuating the appalling state of the mental health of our young ones. The latest emanates from a British study revealing a ‘happiness deficit’ amongst 15-year-olds and notable unhappiness found within Irish teenagers. The root cause of this trend is unknown and even the most plausible solutions like limiting their access to smartphones, social media and promoting mindfulness or group activities, do not seem to address the issue effectively.
People like Allsopp and Burke, therefore, elicit robust responses not because people disagree with them but more so because they are envious of their confidence in their parenting choices. Regardless of the display of worry and directives on social media, the majority of parents acknowledge that their parenting style is improvisational. Throughout my 18 years as a mother, any potential grasping of a clear parenting approach or method has always been quickly upended by a new scenario. The truly daunting notion lies in accepting that parenting essentially involves ongoing improvisation. Thus, the prospect of 15-year-olds navigating the European rail networks is far less concerning.