Dear Roe,
I’m swiftly approaching my 34th birthday and have been a singleton for close to a year now. I was obliged to conclude a two-year romantic involvement with a truly charming soul due to romantic incompatibility. This action, though grueling, seemed to be the appropriate choice. Of late, I’ve forayed into the world of online dating, but have found the journey extremely draining and difficult. Numerous women have vanished from my communications and others, after one or two dates, have discontinued our relationship, typically with a rambling message stating that there was no spark or that I wasn’t the one for them.
I suffer from a disability that impacts my left side, and I share this with my potential partners if our discussion progresses positively. My disability is something I am forthright about, as I strive to find someone who appreciates me for the person I am. At first, my disability doesn’t seem to concern them, but eventually, or sometimes even before we meet, they terminate our potential relationship for one reason or another.
As of late, I integrated into a comedy improv troupe and am forming new relationships, which is a joy. I also participate in therapy on a weekly basis, which I find incredibly helpful. This engagement has facilitated personal growth and introspection; I believe I could be a great companion to someone who can truly see me. I am in a favourable job, have a nurturing nature towards my loved ones, and, I consider, have a good sense of humour. I also think I’m prepared to spend my life with a new person. Yet sometimes I fret, fearing that given the transient nature of love in modern times, I may not find a life partner.
Since you are a person exploring storytelling techniques through improv, I hope you will appreciate my narrative’s different storytelling formats. In particular, I am intrigued by the use of tarot cards, not for divination purposes but rather as a narrative instrument, allowing fresh insights into otherwise troubling issues. Jessica Dore, an academic and social worker who enriches her tarot readings with elements of psychology, philosophy and sociology, is one tarot reader I sincerely admire. She presents multi-faceted interpretations of tarot symbolisms, revealing novel comprehension of age-old tales.
“The Lovers” tarot card has multiple implications; symbolising relationships and decision making, it’s particularly relevant when considering matters of love, especially as a single person. Thinking about love leads us to contemplate the conscious decisions we make about how we perceive and seek love. We’ve the liberty to decide the narratives we tell ourselves about love and the lessons we aim to grasp. According to Dore, in the selection of a romantic companion, most people outline a catalogue of desired attributes; however, it may be more prudent to select partners based on what we need to discern about love and our own identities. As Dore proposes, “What wisdom and talents am I equipped to acquire? When choosing, don’t ask, ‘Is this person suitable for me?’ but instead, ‘Can I learn the lessons I want and need to learn from this person, including some I’m yet to realise?’”
While navigating your dating journey, reflect on the narratives you form and the decisions you make to support your love learning needs. I urge you to reconsider a couple of stories you’ve constructed. You’ve developed a narrative that you will never encounter the right person and dating feels futile. You’ve only just dipped your toes into the dating pool for a few months. Honestly, that’s a negligible timeframe. Admittedly, the pitfalls associated with dating applications and the dating culture can spark feelings of isolation, but fostering a pessimistic narrative this early in your dating journey only cultivates cynicism, leading you to approach dating with a negative mindset. When truth be told, countless individuals are out there searching for their special someone, much like you.
In scrutinising the narrative you’re constructing about your disability, it appears you’re making connections between it and the lack of a lasting romance throughout the past two months of your search. You believe that while people are initially accepting, eventually – whether before or after a face-to-face meet-up – they would find reasons to discontinue the relationship. You seem to be attributing a causative relationship where, fundamentally, the bulk of dates do not result in a long-term relationship and often fizzle out. Individuals engage in conversation or date, assess their compatibility, and if not suitable, they move on. The characteristic of dating is not contingent on your disability. It appears you’re opting for a narrative that amplifies your insecurity and a distrustful labelling of others, as opposed to perceiving dating as an endeavour involving exploration, effort, and a methodical process.
As someone who practises comedy improv, the concepts of exploration, effort, and process are familiar to you. The fundamental rule of improv is “Yes, and”, which requires the acceptance of what is being presented, followed by a process of expanding it to construct a new narrative. These narratives may lead to unpredicted pathways, or they may not totally resonate, but the key lies in maintaining an open mind and embracing the journey. At present, you may not fully be embracing this journey when it comes to romance, and instead of being at a “Yes, and” stage, you’re more likely at a “Yes, but” phase.
“Yes, I am ready for love – but I don’t wish to wait”. “Yes, I am seeking a genuine bond – but if an interaction falls short of this, I’ll take it as proof of its non-existence”. “Yes, I am comfortable within myself – but I anticipate that others will scrutinise my disability”. It seems like you predetermine the hindrances in the narratives you pen, and this results in you prematurely disengaging, rather than taking what is given and staying open to further development.
Clearly, your past relationship has provided you with ample self-discovery. However, contemplate on the lessons you still have to grasp and be open to acquiring them. It could be developing more patience or adaptability. You might need to learn to value the present moment rather than being driven solely by the ultimate objective of a lasting relationship, ignoring everything else as irrelevant. It might be necessary for you to choose hope, tenacity, and self-love over the comfortable sanctuary of skepticism. It might be crucial to identify and let go of ancient narratives that no longer benefit you.
Accelerating the journey to finding your perfect match isn’t feasible. This process has its own timing. Therefore, if you must endure a period of being single, or endure dates that don’t result in anything significant, decide to welcome the experience. Utilise this opportunity to engage in activities you delight in, maintain a sense of interest in the individuals you encounter, and ponder over the outdated tales that no longer add value to you and the knowledge you’re yet to gain.
At the moment, you’re unattached, rather than treating this as an issue requiring resolution, perceive it as your point of departure. Adopt the mindset of “Yes, and” – and observe how things unfold.