Gráinne Fennell, a mother of two from Wicklow, shares her experience after her soon-to-be 14-year-old son, Barra-John, also affectionately known as Bee, revealed his gender identity as a trans boy two years prior. Despite not expecting the unexpected revelation, Gráinne acknowledged that it led them down an ongoing path of discovery.
Gráinne nostalgically recollects the nerve-racking encounter on a Sunday evening that launched this new chapter. Looking burdened, Bee sat down with his family and expressed his non-binary identity. The news initially left Gráinne in the dark, despite her immediate maternal instinct to reassure him she would not love him any less. She was at a loss to understand what ‘non-binary’- a term referring to people who do not strictly identify as male or female- meant in Bee’s context.
Despite Bee identifying himself as non-binary at a tender age of 12, he revealed that he was trans a year later, marking another step in his gender identity journey. Gráinne realised that Bee’s gender identification as non-binary was not the end goal. Yet, she was uncertain of the final destination. Irrespective of this, she was determined to ensure that Bee’s comfort came first to guarantee his happiness.
Gráinne was not initially hesitant to support Bee during his identity’s transformation phases but grappled to articulate it to other people. She often faced dismissal and confusion from social circles regarding her son’s transition. Despite commentaries suggesting that this could be a short-lived phase, Gráinne insisted on accepting him as he is, now evidently happier than before. Moreover, she found it challenging to explain the situation to family and coworkers who might be less understanding or open-minded.
Moninne Griffith, the head of Belong To, a national LGBTQ+ youth group, emphasises the importance of parents openly discussing their complex emotions with their children who come out as LGBTQ+. She empathises that it is normal for parents to worry about others’ perceptions, especially from neighbours and family members, but advises that they should support their children and continually reaffirm that they are loved without any condition.
An example of such supportive behaviour comes from Orla Sharp, a Dublin-based mother, who expressed her lack of surprise when her 16-year-old daughter, Erin, confessed her lesbian identity in 2019. With her family living overseas at the time, Orla already suspected Erin’s sexuality. Orla recalls her daughter’s own doubts about the lack of representation in the media, even questioning why only a boy and girl were shown experiencing romantic moments on screen.
Rather than confronting Erin about her thoughts, Orla focused on teaching her respect and acceptance for all, regardless of their identity. Orla believes in prioritising a person’s character above all. She took Erin to her first Pride parade in Berlin when she was just 12 and states that children are more likely to communicate their feelings when they sense acceptance.
Reflecting on her daughter, Orla lovingly describes Erin as a beautiful, intelligent, and compassionate girl, who simply happens to like other girls.
Sharp’s open-minded and accepting approach for her children removed the fear and discomfort Erin had in talking to her, Sharp explains. She encourages parents who suspect their child might be identifying as homosexual to give their child the freedom to discover and express their own identity. “Don’t rush them into revealing their truth,” she counsels, “Avoid categorising your kids too quickly or forcing them into anything they’re reluctant to do. In their own time, they will open up to you.”
Drawing on his experience as a counsellor and psychotherapist, Jim Hutton offers advice:
Q: Is there anything parents should steer clear of when discussing coming out with their child?
A: “I would summarise it as: be mindful of your words, generally. I’ve come across situations where an individual was ready to express their homosexuality to their parents, only to be discouraged by an off-handed negative comment made by a parent about a gay character on television. This seemingly innocent remark was enough to shut down the possibility of open conversation and made the child feel that they would be rejected.”
Q: How can parents make a child feel accepted?
A: “Start by being a reflection of acceptance yourself. Take a moment to check how you initially react to the revelation. Ask yourself whether your shock conveyed rejection, or just mere surprise. Engage in a dialogue, take the necessary time to process and discuss it. It’s about how you exemplify acceptance to your child.”
Q: What advice do you have for families who are finding it difficult to comprehend their loved one’s journey to identify themselves?
A: “Engage them in the conversation, seek their viewpoint and involve them in dialogue. The journey of gender identification isn’t solitary; it involves the whole family, friends, colleagues, and community at large. It’s about the way people know you and how they perceive you, and it may instigate bias.”
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