Whenever I encounter an interview feature celebrating a renowned author, I tend to scroll past, momentarily brushed with a hint of remorse. This remorse stems from my unfulfilled aspiration to be that lauded author, a dream that will, unfortunately, never come to fruition. Yet, this sentiment seems irrational as I’ve accomplished my other desire – becoming an interviewer. I’m fairly confident that, had I achieved my authorship dream, I’d bemoan the missed opportunity of becoming a journalist.
Why am I sharing this with you?
The reason I’m disclosing this is because I believe the concept of regret holds significant weight in many individuals’ lives. And, the deepest wellsprings of regret, poetic license taken from a Confiteor line, frequently arise from our unaccomplished pursuits or undone actions.
Certain forms of regret can be remedied. Supposing you longed to master a skill, such as flying an aircraft or plumbing, you might still have a chance to fulfill these dreams.
Nevertheless, the hardest regrets to contend with are those irreversible ones, particularly revolving around the perceived ‘perfect’ version of oneself. These may range from missing out on a career, relationships, or desiring an alternate personality trait — having an extroverted inclination instead of an introverted one, for instance. As for me, I harbor no regret over my introverted nature.
These significant regrets often cast a bigger shadow as one matures. Erik Erikson, a known psychologist who extensively researched life stages, identified the emotional and mental state of individuals over 65 during the 1950s as balanced between integrity and despair.
Integrity, in this context, suggests being primarily content and tranquil, perhaps exuding wisdom and feeling as if you have led a successful life.
If you find this doesn’t apply to you, I suspect you’re in good company.
Despair encompasses feelings of regret, shameful rumination, and remorse. Considering our inherent human imperfections, these experiences are quite common. Although, despair appears too severe a term in most instances. Moreover, our modern perspective on ageing is likely more positive and imaginative than in Erikson’s era.
It’s common to harbour regrets that seem unshakeable, but it’s crucial to internalise the fact that we’re all imperfect beings. We’re not responsible for our genetic makeup, a decision that was impossible for us or our ancestors to make. While we should be held accountable for our decisions, understanding that these choices were made in a complex world where the demands of work, play, personal growth, care for others, survival and risk-existence coexist, is important.
Studies indicate older individuals are more capable at managing regrets than their younger counterparts. However, these investigations often focus on minor issues. In my opinion, it’s the substantial matters and the remorse over unachievable endeavours that can plunge some elder individuals into a prolonged sensation of loss.
Addressing these regrets without falling into the trap of rumination – a cycle of overthinking negative aspects of life or relationships – is crucial. This is not a constructive process of planning but a repetitive replaying of distressing events. Habitual rumination is associated with the onset and exacerbation of depression. It could heighten feelings of bitterness and resentment. Moreover, rumination can deceive you into believing you could have altered outcomes that were, in reality, beyond your control.
Coming to terms with the discomfort of regret, likened to an irritating pebble in your shoe that just won’t budge, becomes an increasingly essential skill as you age. This mindset will enable you to move forward without being perpetually haunted by the ghost of missed opportunities.
– Authored by Padraig O’Morain, a professional accredited by the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. His publications include Kindfulness – a guide to self compassion. He also offers complimentary daily mindfulness reminders via email ([email protected]). Find him on Instagram and Twitter: @padraigomorain.