During International Women’s Day, March 8th, a referendum was held in Ireland regarding the potential removal of a clause in the Irish Constitution that is often labelled the “woman in the home” clause. Originating from 1937, this clause indicates that a woman’s domestic role is essential for the wellbeing of the state. It further asserts that the state should strive to ensure that financial constraints don’t compel women to neglect their household responsibilities.
Seemingly aiming to highlight the value of domestic and care tasks and to guarantee that a household could rely on one adult’s full-time income while the other managed the home and childcare, it fell short. The clause was not implemented in the manner intended and instead was utilised to reinforce that women should stay out of the workforce, focusing primarily on home responsibilities.
As females began to occupy more roles in the workplace, it would have made sense for household tasks and caregiving roles to be shared equally. However, this didn’t become the reality. Studies reveal that in contemporary marriages that recognise gender equality, women still shoulder the bulk of home and care-related tasks, even when working full time jobs.
I opted for staying home instead of my dream job as a barrister. It’s often women who make decisions like these.
This retrogressive trap that puts pressure on women to undertake unpaid work, thereby reinforcing traditional roles, was not unintentional and didn’t go unnoticed. Last year, the National Women’s Council in Ireland urged the government to address the escalating living costs for women by increasing public service investment, especially in public childcare. They stated in a press release that women continue to access fewer resources, have less wealth, lower income, and carry out greater unpaid care responsibilities, which curtails their choices.
In the UK and the United States, feminist authors have also been advocating for change, drawing attention to the myriad financial and cultural problems mothers face. In this era, highly influential mothers, the ‘momfluencers’, publicise their perfect lives and gourmet lunch boxes for their children’s schools, thereby turning motherhood into a competitive pursuit.
The “intensive parenting” trend necessitates a great deal of parental dedication and a plethora of out-of-school activities, both costly and time-consuming. Additionally, the ongoing housing and rental crisis combined with changes in societal structure have eroded the support systems women once had. Many are now single-handedly handling tasks traditionally shared by the communal unit. Concurrently, the relentless glorification of unrealistic beauty standards is constantly pressuring women to remain young-looking and pursue perpetual self-enhancement.
Amanda Montei, the author of ‘Touched Out: Motherhood, Misogyny, Consent and Control,’ was a writer and college lecturer in California when she became a mother. Immediately, she found herself enmeshed in the challenges of contemporary motherhood, grappling with juggling home duties and work goals. The grim reality was that any work she could secure would not generate enough income to pay for needed childcare.
In countries like the United States and Ireland, the child care costs are disproportionately high compared to average incomes, principally because public authorities do not treat child care as a collective societal need for raising future productive citizens and workers. The unpaid work of women is critical to society, however, its acknowledgment as work requiring compensation, respect, and protection would imply empowering women. Montei states in her book, “The entire society was designed benefitting men having wives,” she continues to articulate, “Wife and Mother are forms of work, not just roles.”
She powerfully illustrates how the societal expectations for women, particularly mothers tend to appear as enforced choices. The complaint or disapproval from mothers left unsupported emotionally, financially, socially, and systematically is often dismissed as they “were aware of what they were signing up for”. Many who opt for becoming stay-at-home mums are seen as having made a lifestyle choice rather than been compelled due to the absence of viable alternatives.
In ‘Touched Out,’ Montei also shed light on the pandemic’s impact; 1.6 million women, mostly mothers who had to assume full-time caregiving roles for their suddenly homebound children, were forced out of work in the United States. This occurred due to mothers’ average earnings being lower than those of men and single women.
During the height of the #MeToo movement, Montei transitioned into motherhood. This resulted in her observing the link between the narratives of abused women and the discourse of “choice”, which is often wielded against mothers. Montei’s book, titled ‘Touched Out’, examines past intimate encounters involving a lack or reluctant agreement, scenarios she believes still lack appropriate terminology. “There’s a sense that husbands are entitled to the bodies of their wives”, Montei elaborates.
Montei reports feeling manipulated and double-crossed after agreeing to certain exchanges with men, thereafter left with remorseful feelings linked to unforeseen outcomes post consent. This resonates throughout her book, portraying the disillusionment she experienced as realities fell short of glorified maternal expectations.
According to Montei, the societal narrative typically depicts motherhood as an ultimate achievement. However, the true experience is a relentless cycle of work, coupled with a persistent self-inadequacy, sending many mothers into isolation, depression and abandonment due to lack of support systems. This stark contrast creates a sense of betrayal, a term she attributes to Pooja Lakshmin’s quote, pointing at the societal systems that fail to provide women with anticipated support, both economically and socially.
In Montei’s view, this sense of betrayal transcends personal space, sexual encounters, and permeates broader gender dynamics, particularly around entitlement to women’s bodies. Her book, titled ‘Touched Out’, is premised on the exhaustion mothers feel after being physically engaged by their children all day, reflecting a broken sense of personal autonomy.
During the height of the pandemic, Montei found herself in a challenging position, as she was the parent primarily responsible for day-to-day childcare, while also confronting expectations of mandatory sexual activity from her partner after his workday. Compounded by frequent tales of women being exploited by men around the globe, Montei found herself pondering over societal tendencies that coerce women to perennially give precedence to others over their wishes and requirements.
Montei mentions, “Parents transmit moral principles or a specific value system to their offspring.” She elaborates on an incident in her book where she’s educating her daughter about autonomy and consent but realises that she herself doesn’t feel liberated or that she possesses a distinct identity in her personal life.
In her piece, ‘Touched Out’, Montei scrutinises societal norms that emphasise male sexual wants. She indicates that content designed to help new mothers regain their libido after childbirth is prevalent, contrasting sharply with pieces that treat husbands as restless kids, struggling to suppress an uncontrollable urge.
Montei intimates a societal notion that men have a perceived entitlement over their wives’ bodies. She states, “This is clearly visible through extreme instances such as domestic violence against females, but it is also apparent in matters we don’t take as seriously, such as reminders to women to not disregard their spouses when they become mothers, maintaining the man as the focal point.”
Nevertheless, Montei remains optimistic about potential societal evolution and redefinition leading to actual equality. She discloses that post publication of her book, she has received abundant feedback from readership; some have even handed the book over to their companions. She says, “Many chose to put a pause on intimacy for some time and work on understanding their own sexual cravings. They began to be more frank with their partners about what they do and do not prefer when it comes to physical interaction.”
Montei concludes that participants consciously started to feel comfortable saying no and endorsing their requirements and preferences, since they could imagine a brighter future. According to her, “Following #MeToo, there has been impressive discourse on the institution of marriage, leading to women reframing the paradigms of long-lasting relationships.”
Montei reflects on the way society often seems to disregard the frustrations or distress expressed by mothers, typically viewed as seemingly perpetual caregivers. In order to truly aid mothers, their voices need to be heard. Montei mentions that women who are consumed with anger or despair are not often recognised as reacting logically to the profound loneliness brought on by current parenting styles — or to overlooked household duties or the gender-biased society in which they live.
Motherhood & Feminism: Key Reading Selections
Iconic pieces like Adrienne Rich’s Of Woman Born and Silvia Federici’s Wages Against Housework continue to vastly shape the discourse on motherhood and feminism. However, several recent publications are addressing present-day dilemmas encountered by women and mothers.
Matrescence by Lucy Jones
In this deeply introspective exploration, science and nature author Lucy Jones employs neuroscience, evolutionary biology, psychoanalysis, economics and ecology to illustrate the substantial alterations in a mother’s mind, brain and body throughout pregnancy and motherhood — and how these substantial transformations are frequently undervalued and neglected. As Jones expresses it, experiences that were as close as she has been to death, birth, growth and other significant milestones were seen as dull by societal standards. She calls for acknowledgement of this transformative period, akin to the recognition given to adolescence. This blend of memoir and critical analysis is at once personal and political, innovative and substantial in its approach and reach.
Momfluenced: Inside the Maddening, Picture-Perfect World of Mommy Influencer Culture by Sara Petersen
This piece by Petersen delves into the unique issues of social media and its effect on motherhood, seeing it not only as a public spectacle but also a marketing opportunity. Motherhood is used to exploit the aspiration towards perfection to convince women to purchase an array of goods. Petersen expertly throws light on her personal interactions with momfluencer culture, along with cultural commentary and interviews with psychologists and tech specialists. Her insights shed light on how motherhood has been commoditised into an idealised and costly experience tied to white, middle-class heteronormativity.
Mum Rage by Minna Dublin
Dublin’s publication is a mix of personal anecdotes and scientific studies, drawing on the experiences of over 50 mothers to delve into society’s discriminative treatment of women and their repressed anger. The narrative unfurls the unrelenting demands placed on a mother’s role that encompasses a vast array of tasks from planning and organising to cooking and sharing. The author asserts that outrage is both a normal response to the systematic erosion of power and, at the same time, a source of influence promoting personal and societal transformation.
In contrast, Hettie Judah examines the challenges artist parents face in her book, “How Not To Exclude Artist Mothers (And Other Parents)”. Drawing on substantiated research and their own stories, Judah discloses the fragile existence of artists who often lack secure jobs, maternity rights, pay increments, and pensions. Being an artist also means depending on strong relationships and staying relevant. Judah elucidates these structural obstructions and vociferously advocates for an overhaul of the art industry’s operation to optimise the contributions of artist parents.