Inquiry
Recently, my daughter has shared with me a complicated issue involving her 15-year-old friend, a subject matter I lack familiarity with. Her friend, a girl, has been maintaining an online relationship with a boy residing in an EU region for over nine months. According to my daughter, their daily and sometimes extensive interactions on WhatsApp signal the significance of this relationship.
Nonetheless, this girl harbours a strong desire to leave the relationship, a sentiment that was poorly received by the boy. He professed his love for her, expressing that he can’t imagine life without her; going as far as threatening that he would end his life if she parts ways with him. He even sent self-harm images to stress his seriousness. Although troubled by these occurrences, my daughter promised to keep this as a secret, but has been having sleepless nights.
She has revealed this to me and is insistent that I also maintain her confidence. She is, however, concerned about her friend’s increasing fear and depression following the boy’s threats. The realization that a relationship, wherein the two parties have never had any physical interaction, can bear such consequential repercussions has come as a shock to me. Moreover, I’m deeply troubled over my daughter’s welfare.
Response
This complex issue raises various concerns – the absorption of silence around such emotional manipulation, the intensity young people experience in relationships, even if online, the absence of adult guidance, and finally, the conflict between maintaining trust and potentially losing a friend.
Understandingly, online relationships are now a common facet of social interaction and it’s crucial to recognize their potential genuineness and intensity. The situation you’ve described shows a daily and extensive contact. This tends to be an issue in itself as there’s no external oversight from family or friends, leaving only the girl to provide insights into the relationship, something which she is evidently struggling to handle.
In a contrasting situation, peers may utilize the opportunity to advise or caution the girl, however, this isn’t the case here given the fact that nobody is acquainted with the boy and lacks knowledge about their relationship. It can be incredibly challenging for a youthful individual, lacking previous experiences, to make informed decisions. This potential isolation can lead to self-harming tendencies, leaving a huge responsibility on an ill-equipped individual.
In such situations, maintaining silence is unsustainable, regardless of age. In cases of serious danger, confidentiality cannot be ensured and the responsibility should be shifted to the most competent party, in this case – an adult.
Should details about the boy’s family members be available, they should be informed at the earliest so the risk can be promptly addressed by experts. However, as in your case, where the primary communication is made through WhatsApp, alternative steps could be considered.
You should consider having a candid discussion with your daughter and her friend, reassuring them that adults should handle this matter and might require drawing the boy’s parents into the situation. It’s possible that the boy could be traced through his presence on other social platforms and his parents or school can be notified about his predicament. If all else fails, local law enforcement, which are trained to manage such issues, can step in.
It would be beneficial to also discuss with your daughter and her friend about collaborating with their school to embark on discussions and exercises addressing secrecy and relationships. It’s likely that the National Educational Psychological Service could provide useful resources or provide connections to trained professionals.
Commend your child for her bravery in confiding in you about this situation. Let her know that this illustrates her faith in you as someone who can help ease the strain for both her and her friend. Emphasise that the threat of losing a friend is a universal experience, but if you examine closely, it’s apparent that the basis for maintaining this concealed information is fear, which isn’t a healthy foundation for any relationship.
While your daughter’s acquaintance may find it difficult to have her private matters exposed, it appears she understands that the situation is out of her control. Hopefully, she will grasp the need for adult intervention once she experiences the liberation of no longer bearing the weight of this predicament alone.