Dear Roe,
I’m privileged to have formed a wonderful set of friends, primarily during my university years but some date back even further. Despite this, my heart aches for a friend who decided to sever ties around a year ago. We were compatriots through our adolescence and continued the friendship into our twenties. This individual was among the cherished ones in my close-knit group. I have experienced the distancing of friends in the past, but it hardly compares to this one.
I realised I held romantic feelings for this person prior to the drift, but never summoned up the courage to express them. The signals from their end were intriguing, carrying an undertone of flirtation yet subtlety but were never explicitly conveyed. Due to an incapability to react, I chose not to confront my feelings despite being genuinely fond of them. The regret of not revealing my emotions seemingly haunts me.
Subsequently, the frequency of our interactions decreased. A conversation that previously flowed freely started to feel restrained. After our last rendezvous, I felt unusually low, the connection seemed off. I loosely figured it might be temporal and I didn’t wish to be devoid of their presence. In addition, an invitation extended towards them for an event of significance, they failed to turn up, contrary to my other close pals. While I tried empathising by considering possible reasons for their absence, maybe they were unfamiliar with the invitees or could have been held up with personal matters, I couldn’t help but be engrossed by their non-appearance, feeling regretful for not appreciating the friends who made it.
Following the incident, I attempted a one-on-one meeting, to no response. I’ve remained out of their radar ever since. An ample amount of time has drifted away. My set of friends agree that it’s time to leave it behind. Further discussion seems futile, as I should have gotten over this by now. Overlooking the wound created by their departure seems challenging, given the good times we shared. I yearn for those cherished moments but the idea of reaching out yet again seems unappealing. I believed I had moved beyond this stage, but seems like echoes of the past are prevalent, considering I found the need to share this. I’d highly appreciate any guidance or perception you could provide.
It’s intriguing to note the frequent occurrence of “should” in your letter, and how you frequently express guilt over expressing your emotions or caring for this companion. There appears to be a self-imposed rule in your mind causing you to feel as though caring deeply for one person and grieving their loss equates to dishonouring or betraying your group of friends.
I can’t help but question where this guilt originates from. How did you come to believe that you must appreciate what you have and have no right to desire or require more, or to mourn the loss of a significant individual from your life? Is this reflective of a broader mindset where you feel unworthy of asking for more or prioritising your desires?
Alternatively, does this dynamic specifically pertain to your circle of friends, where there’s an expectation of equal liking for all in the group and more profound connections or changes in relationships are viewed as group’s betrayal? A group of close friends can bring great joy and enrich one’s life, yet any group’s expectations to suppress individuals’ needs and personal growth to maintain group stability can occasionally be inhibitive. Resistance from the group regarding shifting dynamics, whether it be through dating or changes in roles, might not be overt but can be inferred from the group’s suspicion or rebuff of the actions of one person. Could it be that your group perceives your deep feelings for your ex-friend as an affront or potential threat? If yes, it would be crucial and beneficial for you to acknowledge this dynamic and realise that your grief and the need to understand the loss of this friendship are typical and healthy. If your friends fail to grasp this, it doesn’t mean your emotions are invalid, rather it reflects their insecurities and firm insistence on maintaining certain group dynamics. A therapist could potentially assist, offering you an outlet to confide your feelings about this relationship and your current sorrow.
I must tenderly caution you of the potential harm of a “The One That Got Away” narrative.
This isn’t to say that you should abandon your mates given certain imperfections as groups, similar to individuals, do have failings but nonetheless, are essential to our lives. Recognising the group’s limitations allows you to maintain a healthy linkage without being overly affected by their collective opinion.
Your peers, despite their well-meaning advice to move forward, might not fully appreciate the difficulty of doing so, particularly when you don’t have the freedom to be open about your emotions. Society has a number of established procedures for dealing with the dissolution of a romantic relationship; however, it tends to gloss over friendship breakups, thus inhibiting open discussions about the grief related to the loss of a significant bond. Additionally, the ambiguous circumstances surrounding the end of this friendship, which mirrors the ambiguity of being ghosted, increased the uncertainty and questions.
Regrettably, it appears that this individual no longer desires to be part of your life. At this point, the most compassionate action to yourself is to acknowledge this unfortunate truth, understand what the partnership implied to you, and independently find the closure they failed to provide.
Consider the positive aspects of this friendship, the characteristics you admired about your friend, and how it affected you. How can these qualities be preserved in your life or in other relationships you pursue? Reflect on the lessons learnt from this individual, the interaction, and the termination of this bond, and express gratitude for those lessons learnt the hard way. Come up with a ritual to bid farewell to this friend, thus giving yourself the closure they did not provide. This could involve writing an unsent letter to them expressing thanks for the joyful memories, expressing regrets about the dissolved friendship, and wishing them all the best. Alternatively, letting a friend know about your feeling towards the ended companionship and seeking the same support as if it were a romantic break-up, from engaging in a crying session over emotional films and talking about them, or indulging in a self-care activity.
I wish to highlight that it appeared as though when an individual proposed a prospect of a deeper bond to you, you retreated. It’s understandable to harbour regret over such a decision, yet permit me to softly alert you of the perils of getting entangled in a “missed connection” storytelling. Experiencing regret and sorrow is typical, yet continually dwelling on a figure from your history serves as a means of maintaining a distance from new subsequent relationships. Make it a point to surface from this event with a commitment to seizing moments of closeness and relationship whenever possible and to communicate your emotions openly.
The sorrow will eventually subside. The wisdom derived from this occurrence will endure. Let’s endeavour to ensure that such wisdom serves to enhance your existence, not restrict it.