For a while, my spouse and I have been alienated by an individual who resided with us at one point. This person had a pleasant disposition during the initial years but maintained an air of mystery and was rarely seen, except at important family gatherings. Consequently, we never really understood her. It was apparent she struggled with alcohol and was prone to causing disputes under its influence.
In recent years, she has developed an inexplicable resentment towards us and attempted to estrange us from our own clan. We’ve been informed that we’re no longer welcome at her abode, but the reasons have not been explained. Our attempts to stay connected have been futile, with responses to our texts and calls delivered weeks later, usually at ungodly hours, filled with accusations or underhanded insults. My spouse is devastated by the entire situation. Being good-hearted, she initially tried to understand the basis of this sudden cold shouldering. People suggested we were simply overthinking as everyone is too engrossed in their own lives to respond promptly. However, we weren’t mistaken. My spouse feels we are unjustly ostracised and penalised.
I have conducted some research on narcissism and strongly believe we have become a target of one such individual. From an outsider’s perspective, we appear to have a fulfilling life: successful careers, a beautiful house, a harmonious marriage. Could all of this be the reason for our predicament? Have we become easy prey for a bully, or did we unknowingly fail a test?
We have recently observed a cold shoulder from other family members too, noticing that they have cut down on communication and visits. It’s as if they fear the fury of this narcissist by merely keeping in touch with us. We are now outcasts. We are bombarded with counterfeit allegations of deeds we evidently didn’t commit, which seem to have been disastrously misinterpreted, amplified, and manipulated to fit a certain narrative.
Disproving an event that didn’t occur is a tough task.
We are apprehensive about forthcoming large family gatherings, and I foresee this social exclusion persisting. Counselling has been beneficial, but due to its high cost, we only resort to it when in dire necessity. We worry about our four children growing up and questioning the absence of their aunts and uncles, all because of an interloper who was accepted into our family, enraptured them and twisted them against us.
I fear the unseen strain of the situation will gradually undermine us. Attempts to arrange in-person meetings have been dismissed. Although, I never sincerely believed that would accomplish much. I’m however incensed about the entire incident and repulsed that such people exist in the world who can get away with such behaviour. Our church urges us to discern the positive in everybody, to practice forgiveness and turn the other cheek, yet it seems we tend to overlook that the bible also speaks about malevolence. Our family doesn’t seem to recognise the existence of malicious individuals who ought to be perceived for who they truly are. It’s not obligatory to extend the benefit of the doubt to everyone.
The pain in this scenario is your broader family’s readiness to accept the incorrect tales about your immediate family and the worry for your wife and children’s wellbeing.
You appear to have minimal methods to redress your feelings of unfair treatment with your former guest as no legal boundaries have been crossed and she refuses to interact with you. Presumably, your counselling sessions have concentrated on assisting you to release your irritation and bitterness to avoid needless suffering. This is a challenging task when you’re being confronted with your reputation being maligned daily.
The objective of letting go of bitterness and resentment is a commendable one, as it renders you more receptive to the blessings in life, many of which you’ve identified. If you could demonstrate how to relinquish anger, your children will acquire an invaluable skill and you’ll discover your lives enriched because of it. The adage that resentment is akin to “ingesting venom and anticipating the other person to perish” comes to mind. Reaching a place of tranquillity would be simpler if the perpetrator was brought to own up to their misdeeds, however, this seems improbable. Therefore, accept the situation fully and focus on nurturing what makes your family prosper.
There could be additional actions to take with your broader family, worth exploring, as there is compelling reason to believe that a foundation for good relationships exists. You and your wife may have already engaged in indelible discussions with your family, an evident initial step, but should this prove unsuccessful, you might contemplate community mediation services.
Often, family disagreements are factored into this alternative, given the recognition that the ramifications of family rifts can persist for ages, often stemming from unsubstantial origins. If you look up “neighbourhood mediation”, you’ll discover it encompasses both complimentary and professional paid services. This service attempts to incorporate as many individuals affected by the contention as feasible because this approach yields favourable outcomes. However, even if a few members of the wider family participate, it can trigger substantial changes in relationships.
It’s crucial to communicate your interest in this process so as to ensure the collective family could reap the benefits of unity and support. Specifically, your focus should be on establishing a robust, harmonized base for future generations. Most of your extended family would endorse this desire providing the mediator the freedom to orchestrate the sessions. An integral aspect of participating in this process is to thoroughly comprehend everyone’s experiences and resist resorting to defensiveness or impatience with participants.
Venture into this process with an open heart and mind, recognising it as your contribution to fostering a resilient and united extended family – and surrender to its operation.