Inquiry
My fourteen-year-old son is grappling with severe social anxiety, to the degree that he refrains from interacting with his peers or siblings outside the home. Should his older brother’s friends visit, he secludes himself to avoid conversation, though within our household, he engages comfortably in conversations. A job requiring limited interaction also pleases him but socialising with contemporaries terrifies him, leading to tantrums if we nudge him. As his parents, we are concerned about him losing out on friendships with those his age. With school resumption, I’m uncertain about the next steps.
Response
Many young adolescents struggle with becoming part of social circles with their agemates. The reasons can be diverse and plentiful. During the formative teenage years, youngsters try to identify themselves, often judging each other harshly. Peer groups may harbour rigorous social norms about what behaviour is acceptable, and managing group humour or banter can be a daunting task for many teenagers trying to fit in. This is particularly applicable for teenagers who may be neurodivergent, having unique communication styles or different interests.
Instances of group bullying tend to escalate during the early teenage years, resulting in some teenagers feeling ostracised or alienated. Additionally, school confines teenagers to specific friend circles, unlike college where they’re permitted greater autonomy to associate with people they connect with naturally. Acceptance of your son’s current situation is vital.
Reducing the stress of socialising within peer groups for your son may benefit him. His reluctance to interact with his sibling’s mates, who are barely a year older, is relatable for most teenagers. It is perfectly acceptable for both sons to socialise differently. At present, your son may choose not to socialise outside the home, favouring being at home instead; this must be respected. Take note and appreciate what is currently working well for your son. His chattiness at home and being employed part-time at 14 (even in a non-social role) are praiseworthy.
Spend some time understanding
Opposed to enforcing changes, invest some time in understanding your son’s feelings and experiences. Are you aware of his reasons for evading peer gatherings or what specific hurdles he faces, fears he has, or what activities he thoroughly enjoys or when he feels happiest? Young teenagers may find it challenging to discuss their situations explicitly, so a measure of astuteness may be required to comprehend these matters. There may be more communicative periods when he is more open to chatting, like during a favourite meal, a one-on-one activity or late nights when he is in a jolly mood. Identify these periods of enhanced conversation and ensure your availability to lend an ear.
Investigate aspirations
Refrain from enforcing your personal aspirations regarding your son’s social life and rather seek to understand what it is that he wants. Heedfully listen to comprehend if he desires a change or requires assistance with something. He may be receptive to open discussions about his social predicaments and you can offer a listening ear or practical assistance. Perhaps instead of engaging in large gatherings, facilitate intimate meetups with peers or friends at conducive places or present the possibility of inviting them over to his place.
Establish small objectives and progress at a pace that suits him is apt to achieve greater success.
Champion your son’s hobbies.
Many teenagers often experience heightened anxiety in unformalised and unstructured social environments. However, they find it considerably easier to forge friendships and learn group socialisation skills in organised settings where there are definite regulations. A variety of activities can serve this purpose for your son ranging from team sports, scouts, drama to more specialised hobbies such as debates, quizzes, computer/gaming clubs or a choir.
The primary focus should be aiding your son in discovering and engaging in activities he finds pleasurable and excels in. Encouraging him towards a situation where he feels at ease and can interact with similar-minded peers will greatly simplify his socialisation process.
– John Sharry holds the position of clinical director at Parents Plus Charity and also serves as an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology.