Individuals who constantly aim to satisfy others often neglect their personal necessities in the process. What could be the reason for this? Conceivably, it could be an earnest desire to be liked, a deep-seated fear of rejection or a reliance on external validation to feel worthwhile.
For those stuck in this validation-seeking cycle, escape can seem daunting – the notion of disappointement, rejection or dislike from others can be too terrifying to confront, leading to the continuation of these approval-seeking behaviours.
But, how does one break free from this habitual people-pleasing?
The initial step towards ceasing to be a people-pleaser is self-interrogation, suggests Ciarán Coyle, a member of the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy and a psychotherapist with Fettle.ie.
Enquire within, what fuels your need for appeasing others? Could it trace back to your formative years when you believed success, excellent grades or sporting prowess could win parental approval?” proposes Coyle.
It’s also possible that these notions were self-created without any explicit prompt from your parents. “We can exaggerate these concepts in our subconscious. We all strive for parental pride. We often correlate this with academic or athletic accomplishments to avert disappointing them,” he explains.
Remember to care for your well-being.
Perpetually serving others at the cost of self-care can have dire consequences, leading to exhaustion and resentment.
“While it’s commendable to assist others, incessant giving can be akin to a draining battery,” remarks Coyle. “By doing so, we rob ourselves of time for self-care. The deepest, most profound relationship we can have is with ourselves. We are our own greatest allies, and nurturing this bond makes setting boundaries with others less challenging.”
Life may sometimes yield unsatisfactory results despite your efforts, and that’s just the way it is.
Remember to recognise and respect your own requirements.
It’s perfectly fine to have personal needs and to put yourself first.
Coyle emphasises that understanding your core beliefs and acknowledging your worth are fundamental. It’s good to be reminded daily through affirmations like “I am adequate the way I am.” The value of a person doesn’t lie in what they offer to others.
Saying no can be a difficult task, especially for the ones who often try to please everyone. But it’s important to start using this word if your boss expects you to overwork, your friend demands a prompt reply to their text or a relative expects you to always make sacrifices for them. Coyle notes that while your friend may not take well to this new boundary, their reaction is their responsibility. He insists that prioritising your needs shouldn’t lead to guilt or embarrassment.
Coyle continues to argue that just because you are considering your needs, it doesn’t mean that you can’t look after others. Balancing both will only nurture healthier relationships.
In order to prevent your children from becoming people-pleasers, Coyle suggests you be cautious with your words. Emphasising the importance of effort from a young age can be really beneficial. Acknowledge that people can only give their best at any given time. For instance, they can control how much they study for the test, but not the results. Shifting the focus from end goals to process is crucial. You’ll face situations where despite hard work, the desired outcome is not met. Coyle advises that it’s part of life and it’s okay to feel disappointed or rejected. Allow yourself to experience those emotions.