I find myself struggling with profound sadness, though I question whether I’m justified in these exasperating feelings. My partner and I have been an integral part of each other’s lives for a decade now. We met at work, where both of us were navigating the realities of same-sex attraction after previous heterosexual relationships, each of us having our own children. The beginning of our relationship was marked with extravagance, passion and a deep connection, something I doubted I would ever experience.
Now in our 50s, we have been met with open hearts from those in our life circles, including our grown-up children who perceive us as an adorable symbol of mature love. Our strong intimate connection has been a significant aspect of our bond, bringing not just joy but also a sense of unity. I believed nothing could disturb our connection.
Nevertheless, our intimate life is now at the brink of shattering our bond. My partner has been diagnosed with a progressively worsening disease, which has compromised her physical ability to a level that she even battles with usual day-to-day tasks. I find myself leaning more towards the role of a caregiver, a role I take on willingly but nonetheless, it has certainly disrupted our romantic dynamic. Addressing this issue is hard for us as it is a highly sensitive subject and I also don’t want to amplify her distress by talking about my necessities, given the situation she is caught up in.
But what led to my trauma was that by mere chance, I discovered on her laptop that she’s been engaging in sexual activities with strangers and arranging encounters online. On confronting her, she justified her actions saying that this is the only instance where she is viewed as a sexual individual first, before being seen as a sick person. She was adamantly defensive and declared that she won’t be giving this up as her life is desolate enough and is merely going downhill.
Now I find myself trapped, torn between understanding her perspective and dealing with the mortification I feel due to her large-scale rejection and lack of love at a time like this. I also feel undervalued as I believe I pour so much of myself into her care, an effort that seems not to be appreciated but exploited.
Given your wife’s long-term sickness, your intimate life has been non-existent for almost a decade and a half. The emotional toll of concealing this truth is beginning to overwhelm you, leading to unexpected emotional breakdowns. It surely feels like you’re on the brink of your emotional strength.
This feeling of rejected and unrecognised love, coupled with your wife’s sickness and decreasing physical health, puts an immense strain on both of you. You might need more support than what’s currently at your disposal. Everything appears to be hanging by a thread, making every resource seem fragile. Prior to making any consequential decisions, hitting the pause button to regain your composure may be prudent.
When you’ve decoded a suitable course of action and agreed on a joint narrative, sharing this with your children could be a future step. Given her physical state, it’s logical that your wife struggles with her self-image as a sexual being. At the same time, her actions aren’t taking place in a vacuum, but within a collective relationship, necessitating a conversation that respects both perspectives. Have you thought about seeking couples therapy? It can facilitate discussion beneficial for both.
It seems before her ailment your bond was ripe with love and potential, brimming with communication and mutual sharing. Remembering and nourishing this could be significantly helpful before planning the next steps. Additional personal support could also be beneficial for you and your wife.
You might also consider closely confiding in another person each. This would help recognise the gravity of the situation without adding to the sense of betrayal, whilst reflecting your need for support. Select a trustworthy person and emphasise your need for understanding more than guidance presently. Inform the chosen individuals that your wife has agreed to their involvement and expects them to provide the needed support as a couple.
You may contemplate sharing the situation with your offspring only when you’ve finalized your plan of action and determined your shared narrative. Keep in mind they are intimately connected to you, so maintaining a neutral stance might be challenging. However, sustaining a facade that all is well could also be unfeasible for you. You could disclose to them that there are some issues in your relationship and both of you are seeking guidance from a professional. Assure them you will keep them informed when the appropriate time comes.
Even if the relationship is irreparable, the fact that both of you devoted considerable thought and held your relationship in high esteem might alleviate some of the pain if a separation is inevitable later.
To seek certified relationship guidance, consult familytherapyireland.com.