Dear Rowe,
Over a decade ago, my significant other and I relocated to a foreign country, leaving our native Ireland. Now in our 40s, we’re intending to return home within the next year. However, during our time overseas, my partner’s belief system has shifted markedly towards extreme conservative ideologies. I perceive this to be a response to our current country’s cultural milieu. Sadly, he now constantly laments over Ireland’s supposed capitulation to the “woke mob.” He has confessed his apprehension in readjusting to life in Ireland due to his growing unconventional beliefs and an affinity for conspiracy theories which even his aged parents find alarming.
A recent interaction between my partner and my father unraveled terribly, as my partner mocked my father for highlighting the potential negative influence of the rightist movements, concerning the Dublin riots. Previously, when we resided in Ireland, my partner was a more moderate and progressive individual. I tend to lean more to the left, and it’s now seemingly impossible to converse with him about political topics, abortion, LGBTQ matters, and more without him taking offense and urging me to “embrace the truth.”
Despite all this, my partner’s true nature is gentle and loving, and I cherish him much. This ongoing fiasco, however, seems to be overshadowing his better qualities. The idea of him causing embarrassment upon our return home by his newfound thoughts terrifies me. I would give anything to have the same man back that I knew before we left Ireland. The situation saddens me deeply. Could you provide some advice?
Consider this a forewarning: my partner and I would certainly engage in fiery debates were we to sit at a dining table together due to our differing political views. I declare this openly because it wouldn’t be fair to not assert my biased viewpoint. I’d also caution that anyone who discerns the term “woke” negatively might not appreciate this article (or my broader views). Hence, in the interest of avoiding needless aggravation, I invite these individuals to switch to reading other content.
Now to address your concerns, dear query-raiser.
This could potentially be the tipping point that brings an end to your romantic partnership and I believe you’re aware of this. Certain individuals find contentment with partners who hold substantially divergent political perspectives, but that’s not the commitment you entered into. Over time, fundamental changes have occurred in your partner, related to his values, thought patterns, and manners of communication that now seem incompatible with your expectations from a partner. If you remove the political ideologies from the equation, what you’re coping with is the burgeoning incompatibility within your relationship, which is a common experience for many. There are numerous ways people can slowly evolve which can ultimately lead to a relationship termination such as shifts in their objectives, life visions, priorities, and character traits. Ending a relationship due to increasing incompatibility over a period of time is perfectly reasonable.
I state this as there can often be a diminishing, uncomplicated discourse surrounding political beliefs as though it’s something that individuals should simply move past; that avoiding political discussions at the dinner table would solve everything. However, if your partner abruptly adopts a belief system that contradicts your own, it’s sufficient grounds to terminate a relationship. You have the right to exit the relationship if you choose to — a choice I would personally make.
But if you think this issue is worth tackling and desire to bring this up with your partner, concentrate on values. What intrigues me about western conservatism is the scant emphasis on building, enhancing, or generating anything that doesn’t involve curtailing the rights of others. There is a potent sentiment of opposing a lot whilst supporting very little. Moreover, there is an extreme fixation on being the faction that “genuinely” comprehends the world, the one who can assert the sole “truth”. This explains the surge in not only conspiracy theories but also media personalities who allege that everyone else is deceitful while claiming to be the only truthful voice. This phenomenon hasn’t just sprouted randomly; individuals feel alienated, solitary, and powerless, and are in pursuit of some form of control in a world where they still don’t feel vital or listened to. Most of us can empathise with these feelings, but I also believe there are methods of addressing these needs and emotions that do not involve suppressing, disregarding or instigating fear in others. A lot of people experience loneliness and a sense of powerlessness — how we react to these feelings, and whether we strive to uplift others or suppress them, demonstrates our value system.
I’m not simply stating this for the purpose of airing my views, it’s for facilitating a dialogue with your partner. Set up a suitable time and inform him that his beliefs appear to have significantly evolved since the day you both encountered initially, and you’re finding it challenging to comprehend those alterations and determine if your ethics continue to align. Probe his immediate reactions and thoughts. If he requests illustrations, focus on his principles he demonstrated when your relationship began — encompassing personal beliefs, not exclusively political ones. Elaborate on how his empathy, his appreciation for the fine points, his respect towards others, his aspiration for universal safety, his inquisitiveness, and his keenness to learn from others, were traits you held in high regard when you fell for him, as well as any other relevant traits. Remember to be precise and enumerate the principles he championed, not opposed. Subsequently, highlight the changes you’ve noticed which appear to suggest a shift in ethical boundaries, and clarify how it’s impacting your bond with him.
Express yourself using ‘I’ statements such as, “I feel as though we once cherished engaging and respectful dialogues with each other and with our social circle, however, I feel as though your current preference is to ‘triumph’ in conversations. I feel as though there’s a tonality of ridicule during discussions, and the manner in which you communicate with me makes me feel disregarded, and it dissuades me from engaging in discourse with you, although our respectful and stimulating interactions were originally attributes I cherished.” Bring up other contrasts between the principles he previously promoted and the changes you’ve observed: a transition from endorsing empathy to manipulation; from advocating equality to asserting dominance; from valuing attentiveness and a willingness to absorb new knowledge to positioning as the one “in command”; from appreciating a broad outlook to a defensive and close-minded stance; and a shift from treasuring relationships with his loved ones to alienating them. Frame your arguments in the context of your perception of his transitions.
Next, be perceptive of his response. You are expressing to your partner your feelings of estrangement from him, that his actions are isolating both you and those around him, and the sense that your ideologies are growing increasingly incompatible. He could respond in one of two ways – value your relationship enough to critically evaluate his actions and undertake changes, or value his newly acquired convictions and craving for dominance more, thus hesitating to engage with you on a deeper level.
If he appears genuinely interested in resolving these issues and remains committed to your relationship, and if you wish to attempt a compromise, you should consider finding a couples therapist who can assist in re-establishing formative communication and mutual respect.
However, it’s crucial to reflect on whether your desire to remain in this relationship is based on his current demeanour, as opposed to clinging onto an image of him that no longer exists. If the latter is the case, terminating the relationship might be the right course of action. It’s integral to grieve what used to be and search for someone who is a good match for you in the present moment. I wish you all the best.
[ ‘My friend’s ex, who happens to be rather unpleasant, has reentered the picture and I have grown weary of constantly hearing her complaints about him’ ]