Neurodivergent youngsters often perceive the world in a unique way, leading to a divergence in their needs and desires, compared to what a neurotypical societal standard dictates. Consequences of this can be observed in aspects such as social interactions, academic obligations, participation in sports, conforming to uniform requisites, as well as adhering to domestic routines, which can result in points of disagreement.
Many parents face the challenge of avoiding futile disagreements when attempting to coerce their children to comply with certain societal norms and regulations. Along with this, there’s a category of children known as those affected by pathological demand avoidance, or PDA. Framed empathically, this can be seen as an enduring pursuit of independence. Children with PDA often interpret demands, questions or requests as stressful and causing anxiety, therefore they react better when given the freedom to express their individual needs and choices.
Regrettably, PDA-stricken children are often mislabelled as ‘defiant,’ ‘non-cooperative,’ or ‘having conduct issues.’ This wrongfully implies that their actions are deliberate. The more precise explanation is that these children perceive recurring demands as an intrusion on their freedom, causing a ‘fight, flight or freeze’ response. Resisting and protesting constitute a fight response, refusal and avoidance represent flight, while a freeze response is illustrated by shutting down or going silent. Intense emotional outbursts may come as a result when the demands become excessively overwhelming, which can be stressful for all involved.
Cooperative parenting is a technique that many parents raising PDA children find beneficial. This approach, also known as ‘low-demand’ parenting, aspires to alleviate the child’s distress by eliminating as many demands as possible and creating a tranquil and safe environment at home. This doesn’t mean discarding all rules and expectations for the child, but rather maintains the essential regulations (like safety) and encourages the child’s independence by allowing them to make their own decisions wherever feasible.
Parents often adhere to the standards set by society or their peers rather than catering to their own child’s unique needs and behaviour. This can include the assumption that participating in popular team sports or sleepovers is a ‘norm’. In reality, children may find personal fulfilment in activities such as martial arts, drama groups, or intimate gatherings at home, meaning it’s imperative to tune into one’s child’s interests and accommodation to meet their capabilities.
Practising collaborative parenting involves paying close attention to a child’s needs and aligning parental expectations with the child’s preferences and capabilities. The moment children feel accepted for who they are, they tend to find their own internal driving force, learning things at a pace and timing that suits them.
Understanding your child’s emotional and physical perspective is the key. Recognising the reasons behind their unwillingness to attempt new experiences can be beneficial. For instance, the refusal to taste a new food may stem from their sensory discomfort with a new texture, taste or smell. If they resist attending family events, it could be due to the social stress or displeasure caused by a overwhelmingly loud venue. The discomfort to update their wardrobe may be a result of their preference for ‘safe’ daily wear.
Being a proactive observer and investigator can work wonders in understanding the roots of your child’s behaviour. It’s not uncommon for children to find difficulty articulating their feelings and experiences. Efforts to know more about them are often more fruitful during leisure activities or relaxed moments as opposed to times of conflict. Focusing on building a substantial relationship with your child, such as integrating quality bonding time into your family routines, is a viable way to comprehend their perspective and emotions better.
The use of indirect language when communicating with your child is encouraged as it could bring about better understanding.
Taking a subtler approach when directing children can often be more effective. Instead of explicitly directing a child to put on their clothes, you might instead suggest that their favourite clothes are laid out for them, leaving room for their own decision making. In contrast to commanding them to show their cousin their video games, which might heighten social anxiety, you can make a statement such as “your cousin is here to play now” granting them the autonomy to choose the game.
Direct questions or lavish praises can be perceived as demands, but these can be avoided by adjusting your language. Instead of bombarding them with questions about their day at school, you might opt to make an observation (e.g. “I noticed everyone was in their football kit today”) and leave it to them to decide whether they want to engage in the discussion. Similarly, rather than overly praising them for tidying up, which may interpret as a stressful expectation to repeat the behaviour, a subtler approach like a thumbs up, a hug or a gentle thank you can come across as more sincere and cooperative.
Proactive preparation
It’s beneficial to help your child prepare for changes, although different methods suit different children. Visual aids such as a pictorial schedule of the morning routine could help one child understand the transition better and also means you don’t have to constantly remind them verbally. However, for some children, this could come off as another constant demand. They might better respond to understated reminders like “Your breakfast’s ready” or “Your bag’s at the entrance”.
Assess what’s best for your child. For instance, if a socially stressful event is around the corner, would it be better to let them know ahead of time or just on the day? For some kids, envisioning calming activities post challenging tasks can make things easier – “We’ll pop to the shops first, but we can relax watch a film at home afterwards”.
Recalibration of expectations
Lessening demands and tailoring your expectations to your child’s needs can alleviate undue stress and foster a more harmonious household vibe.
Reluctant to battle over diverse food choices with his daughter, which was leading to stressful arguments, John came to terms with her limited dietary preferences. He provided her with vitamin supplements to eliminate his nutrition related worries, understanding that her daily consumption of the same foods made her feel secure.
As a part of the morning routine, Alice chose to dress her son in front of the television as he appeared more calm and less irritated by the tactile sensation of wearing clothes.
To attend extended family gatherings, Julie and Dave opted to travel separately. This allowed one of them to depart early with their autistic son prior to him becoming excessively unsettled. Meanwhile, the other parent could stay back with the rest of their children, ensuring they didn’t feel left out.
For Rose’s daughter, the pandemonium of the playground was intimidating. With the school’s support, they managed to work out an alternative solution. If needed, Rosie could escape into the quiet serenity of the school library in the company of a special-needs assistant.
A pet dog made an enormous impact on Marge’s son’s life. He spent hours amusing himself with the dog and they would all join in for a walk at dusk, which allowed for meaningful conversations.
Tom diluted his stance regarding video games, noticing it served as a relaxation tool for his son post school. On weekends, Tom participated in the video games with his son, who in turn received immense joy from teaching his father how to play them.
John Sharry, the clinical director of Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at UCD School of Psychology, will host an online course named ‘Parenting neurodivergent children’. It will take place in April and May, either on a Monday or Thursday.
The upcoming article in this series, set to be released next week, will discuss methods parents can utilise to tackle challenges and handle meltdowns.