Dear Roe,
I’m seeking your wisdom during a puzzling time in my relationship. We’ve started discussing marriage, but I always seem a bit too stressed about it, possibly more than I should be. We have some inconsistencies in our visions for the future – he wants to have biological children whilst I’m more inclined towards adoption. Initially, we agreed to have one each, one biological and another adopted, but my medical history which includes cancer (that he’s aware of) makes me uncertain about bearing children. Moreover, our sexual compatibility doesn’t seem to align always and our argumentative episodes centred around my weight and his concerns about my health (I’ve just moved a dress size up, not obese, mind you!) leave me weary. We attempt to discuss these matters but somehow find ourselves going round in circles. I’d appreciate your guidance, for I’m fond of him and wish to make this relationship work before resorting to drastic alternatives.
In short: you and your partner can’t seem to agree upon the type of family you envision; you sense sexual mismatch; repeated disagreements that seem to be stuck in a loop; he’s persistently sceptical about your body – and you’re bewildered as to why contemplating marriage gives you stress.
You must start trusting your instincts. You’re stressed because the thought of a lifelong commitment to this relationship is instigating a barrage of emotional distress alarms and rightfully so. These aren’t trivial matters. These are indeed deep-seated, significant matters that are likely to affect not only your day-to-day life with your partner, but also your long-term satisfaction and contentment. Having a common future vision, feeling sexually harmonious, being capable of managing conflicts in a respectful and beneficial manner, and treating each other with kindness, acceptance, mutual respect and affection – these, in my humble opinion, would top the list of fundamental prerequisites for any healthy, long-term relationship. You can’t imagine the number of letters I receive where relationships are on the verge of collapse because they lack one or all of these qualities.
It’s high time to put the topic of marriage on the back burner. Getting married can sometimes be a diversion from dealing with the tough reality of the present, creating an illusion of a perfect future. Pause and ponder on your motives behind entertaining the idea of tying the knot. Undoubtedly, you’re in love with your significant other, yet love isn’t the sole ingredient for a successful marriage or even a relationship. The way you behave with each other and collaboratively weave the life you desire are the real deal-breakers. If these aspects are less than perfect, it’s crucial to question what wedlock signifies to both parties and why the urge exists to rush towards it, despite being aware of severe relationship problems.
Might you be under the impression that marriage will miraculously rectify these issues? Unfortunately, it typically intensifies them. Are societal expectations or peer pressure because of your age or the duration of your relationship pushing you towards marriage? Remember, following the crowd was never a good decision, be it as a teenager getting trendy highlights or settling down now. Could it be that you’re at a turning point in your relationship and the idea of marriage seems less daunting than exploring other options?
It’s time for you to consult a therapist, providing you with a safe space to understand your feelings towards your partner and the relationship, and, importantly, to identify your needs. Often in relationships, we concentrate more on our affection for the other person and the effort we’ve invested, rather than examining the effect our partner and the relationship has on us. Do you feel acknowledged, cherished, admired, esteemed, desired, and loved? It doesn’t seem so. Question what changes need to occur for you to experience these feelings. Dwell on whether these alterations are achievable.
Reflect on the absolute necessities you require in a relationship; your significant other’s non-negotiable demands, and assess if they are in synergy. In a relationship, your partner might need to be with someone who places as much importance on “health and fitness” (or a stringent ethos surrounding body norms) as they do. Your requirement might be a partner who doesn’t scrutinise your body, understands the natural changes over the lifespan and consistently expresses their love and desire for you. These two needs cannot coexist in harmony. The solution could be your partner refraining from such remarks or establishing a middle ground to ensure a more compatible lifestyle without inflicting any negative feelings. However, the ultimate option could be to terminate the relationship, since it is difficult to stay with someone who persistently induces feelings of self-doubt.
Certain convergences will revolve around your core values, fundamentals you refuse to waver on, and the compromises you’re prepared to make. Gaining a deeper understanding of your essentials, your lifetime goals, and expressing honesty about it will help both of you sidestep unrealistic expectations. If your partner is expecting you to morph into a svelte, health enthusiast while you’ve never wished so, it’s their issue to address. They are then faced with choosing between their idealised vision of their partner’s physique and their relationship with you.
In the same vein, if your partner has consistently communicated his desire for biological offspring and exhibits little enthusiasm towards adoption, yet you long for him to alter his views, you’re overlaying your own misconstructed notion over him while ignoring his stark honesty. In this scenario, you should consider what matters the most to you concerning offspring and health? What do you hold dear, and what compromises are necessary to cater to your requirements?
Should you wish for your partnership to endure, infinitely expand and strengthen, it is completely achievable. However, it is fundamental for both parties to grasp and articulate what they necessitate from the relationship, and to co-operatively seek solutions to any concerns that may arise. Assistance from a relationship therapist could be instrumental in facilitating open discussions about these matters, with the objective to devise effective communication techniques. Said techniques should reassure both individuals in regards to expressing their requirements. By working together, it’s anticipated that you shall begin to disrupt and alter the current cycle of repetitive disputes and disagreements that leaves you in a state of stagnation.
Envision the kind of existence and bond you aspire for, and understand that you are deserving of such. Strive towards this vision, irrespective of whether your partner stands beside you in doing so.