While some individuals continue to keep close ties with their playgroup mates from nursery, and some have daily conversations with their pals, there are also those who suddenly find themselves cut off by their decades-long best friend. Additionally, there’s a selection of individuals struggling to plan a basic catch up over coffee with their closest friend, and oftentimes forget to respond to messages received days prior.
Life is hectic and friendships may either be nourished or overlooked as time passes. Sustaining friendships is not always straightforward, and indeed, there’s no prescribed formula or calculations for ensuring the smooth flow of interactions we desire or anticipate. The maintenance of friendships is a subtle art, with the focus on mutual regard, affection and mindfulness.
“Several months back, my wife departed the country. The past half a year has been the most distressing of my life.”
Mary and Marianne, who have been letter buddies since 1971, have mastered this art of friendship preservation, as their bonds strengthened despite the distance, different nationalities, and the passing decades. Their friendship started when a letter from Gozo, a tiny island in the Mediterranean from the Maltese archipelago, reached Mary in Dublin. Even though she received numerous letters from buddies in Turkey and elsewhere via International Penfriends, Mary felt a pull to reply to Marianne’s initial letter to Ireland.
Mary recounts, “Our story began from that point, we just clicked.” Augmented by a shared passion for understanding each other’s heritage and customs, as well as a mutual fondness for decorative pens and stationery, their rapport grew stronger with each letter exchanged. “Our letters always felt like we were conversing over a cup of tea,” Mary quips. In 1978, they eventually met up when Mary, then 21, paid a visit to Gozo after her beloved brother’s death – a crucial moment where she needed the comforting presence of a good friend. The pair matured together, valuing the significance of loyalty, trust and open-mindedness.
“Everyone has their ups and downs in life,” Mary observes, adding, “I’m confident that Marianne will always be there for me, genuinely.”
Marianne and Mary, two friends, share a bond that transcends geographic limitations, with Mary often visiting Ireland while Marianne calls Gozo her second home. Their strong friendship is reinforced by mutual comprehension, resulting in countless joyous moments.
Most people aspire for a friendship like theirs, where the individuality shines brightly and the metaphorical cups overflow with the rejuvenation of companionship. According to Helen Vaughan, a psychotherapist and the director and proprietor of Maynooth Counselling and Psychotherapy, nourishing friendships with close friends plays a critical role in promoting general happiness and wellness.
Vaughan emphasises the necessity for a trusted confidante who understands, appreciates, accepts and occasionally gently questions us. Such a person sincerely wishes the best for you and reciprocates the sentiment. Yet, maintaining these friendships could be challenging for some individuals, regardless of their significance.
To sustain these friendships, Jeanine Connor, a psychodynamic psychotherapist, suggests effective communication and maintained boundaries are essential. Author of a book on human anatomy and three others concerning human thought and behaviour, Connor holds that problems in relationships primarily arise from ineffective communication.
In her opinion, immediate expression of concerns prevents them from evolving into broader conflicts, fuelled by bitterness and resentment. Speaking from the ‘I’ perspective, indicating personal feelings rather than blaming the friend, is advocated as a method for productive communication.
Helen Vaughan further adds that mutual interests, time spent together and mutual respect further strengthen and nurture a friendship.
According to Connor, the concept of ‘rupture and repair,’ a psychological theory, highlights that conflicts in friendships are unavoidable but can be mended promptly through expressing feelings and demonstrating understanding and inquisitiveness. Discussing one’s emotions to a friend and inquiring about theirs promotes healing. Mending a rift makes friendships resilient whereas a conflict unresolved could pull them apart.
The proper development of friendship requires reciprocity. As Vaughan suggests, if a friendship feels skewed or one-sided, it could be beneficial to establish boundaries for self-preservation and energy conservation. Shared interests, mutual respect and quality time contribute to the growth and sustenance of friendships. Like all successful relationships, personal space and pursuing individual passions help in preserving friendships.
Despite a solid foundation of trust, respect, and mutual appreciation being pivotal for friendships, relationships may get uneven and challenging. Vaughn stresses the importance of setting boundaries to protect oneself from overcommitting in a disproportioned relationship. An indication of discomfort or feelings of low self-esteem when in someone’s company should be seen as a warning sign, prompting consideration to take distance from a friendship that no longer serves you positively, irrespective of its duration.
Connor also notes that people and their friendships evolve as they progress through similar life stages and experiences. However, the perception of friendship changes too. Unreasonable expectations about friendships often stem from personal biases, assumptions, and past experiences. Connor, soon to be the author of the upcoming book ‘You’re Not My F*cking Mother: And other things Gen Z say in therapy,’ points out that if expectations aren’t managed, they could set up friendships for failure, causing unnecessary damage.
Keeping in mind that individuals undergo transformations, and friendships follow suit can streamlines the process of identifying and adapting to the shifts that occur in our companionships over time. Connor signifies that people might transform concurrently as they reach identical milestones, and parallelly, the significance we place on friendship evolves too. The anticipations from a friendship fluctuate when one is five, 15, 25, or 50. This variation demands us all to rethink and modify our expectations, especially in friendships that last years or perhaps even decades. This may, at times, necessitate letting go of some friendships.
For Mary, the phrase, “Place your efforts in those who value you”, holds immense meaning. “Individuals may come and go, but the genuine ones persist throughout one’s life,” she notes. “No matter the distance, we reciprocate understanding and respect”.
Connections,
– Subtle offensive behaviours,
– Emotional exploiters,
– Power relations,
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