Dear Roe,
A couple of months ago, I began a new job and I noticed myself becoming quite drawn to a male colleague. We would converse frequently whilst at work, spend our time together during office events and occasionally, even meet for coffee or drinks outside of the office. We were also in regular contact through text messages. I am a reserved and introverted person who hasn’t been in many relationships, with my only lasting a few months. Growing up, I didn’t garner a lot of attention from men in my friend group. Therefore, this bond I was developing with my colleague felt significant and I started believing that we might be on the verge of a meaningful relationship. Yet, I was shaken when I discovered that he’s been in a committed relationship all this while. The revelation was not only distressing for me, but also for his unknown partner. When I questioned his behaviour, which appeared to be unfaithful to me, he rebutted that I had misread our interaction and that we were merely friends. He insisted that he and his partner were very much in love. This situation has left me feeling awkward at work; the man I was close to no longer communicates with me, and the strained interactions between us haven’t gone unnoticed by our clients and superiors, potentially impeding our work towards accelerating the company’s growth. Could you offer any advice?
I’m regretful that you’re dealing with this confusing and hurtful situation. Dealing with such strong feelings of misunderstanding and isolation at work, where you should feel comfortable, must be difficult. I genuinely wish to guide you through this so that you can move ahead and build fresh relationships with others. However, for us to do so we need to untangle and comprehend this current situation, which may be hard to digest. Acknowledging the harshest aspects of reality, even though hard, is often the first step to build a healthier and more productive path for ourselves.
Based on your narrative, it seems like this particular situation potentially originated from a feeling of seclusion or a lack of social bond, driving you to attach greater significance to this companionship than it merited. (I’m referring to ‘companionship’ in a non-romantic context, simply to denote the ties we establish with others.) As you progress, it’s necessary to forge strong and fulfilling friendships and familial bonds so that you feel acknowledged and interlinked with a wide array of individuals. This acts as a foundation for clear perceptions about what is being offered to you when you encounter someone you are fond of, thus averting letdowns.
I point this out because, based on your own elaboration of your relationship with this gentleman, there was never any suggestion that he was seeking a romantic liaison with you. Having a good rapport, spending time together at office functions, exchanging messages and occasionally throwing in a coffee meeting is typical of friends and congenial workplace acquaintances, without any signs of explicitly flirtatious or romantic undertones. I am led to assume that if there were any more definite signs, you wouldn’t have omitted them from your narration.
I believe it’s also crucial to reflect on your own thoughts and justification – “Having had only one prior relationship of short duration, I wasn’t accustomed to drawing much attention from men among my friends while growing up. Therefore, I developed a strong affinity for this gentleman.”
Projecting romantic expectations onto an otherwise platonic friendship has the potential to hurt the other party by misinterpreting their intentions.
According to your account, the robust attachment you developed with this man wasn’t driven by his conduct but rather by your earnest aspiration for recognition and romance. Let me emphasise: such longing is entirely normal. We all yearn to form deep bonds and feel cherished. But it appears that a craving for a passionate relationship led you to pay undue attention to the platonic interest you received from this man and augment it in your consciousness to the point of misreading platonic friendship as romantic intentions. It’s completely fine to fancy someone and harbour crushes, but it’s equally essential to discern the contrast between your desires with a person and what exactly they are willing to offer – and not to accumulate unnecessary fantasy that could potentially widen the gap. In doing so, you concoct a fanciful relationship that doesn’t exist in reality.
It may be harmful to you when you begin to create emotional attachments to fantasies, only to be left disappointed when these are not realised. Interestingly, becoming too absorbed in one’s fantasies can potentially inhibit the ability to establish genuine connections with people who are emotionally present. It can also cause distress to the other party when romantic intentions are superimposed in a purely platonic friendship. This misconstrues their intentions, falsely implicates them as liable for our emotions, and could potentially make them feel deceived after offering friendship, only for the other party to expect romantic engagement – something nobody is ever owed.
It’s also essential to be aware that you could be inadvertently projecting your emotions onto other’s relationships, which is not advisable. You mentioned that his behaviour appears as cheating from your perspective. However, it’s not up to you to set the boundaries of what is considered acceptable behaviour or infidelity in his relationship. His partner and he establish these parameters themselves. It would not be out of the ordinary, in fact it’s quite normal, for his partner to be perfectly fine with him having co-worker friends. It is crucial to realise that just because you have a crush on him, doesn’t mean that he feels the same. His interactions with you may not have been romantic or sexual in nature and it’s essential to accept this.
Yes, it could be tough, awkward, or perplexing to shift your outlook on this friendship, but it will liberate you eventually. By acknowledging that you read more into this friendship than was offered, you can start to progress.
Provided you believe he would be open to it, consider sending him a concise email, just a couple of lines, apologising for the past misunderstandings and indicating your desire to progress as respectful colleagues. Keep it brief and professional, avoiding any forays into personal feelings, vulnerabilities or future aspirations. Your approach should be focused on resolving a professional matter, not a personal one. Regardless of his response, strive to maintain a professional and respectful demeanor at work. Demonstrating this attitude consistently will be more effective than words alone in the long-run.
This is an opportune moment to concentrate on your well-being, self-respect, and your existence beyond this individual. Utilise this phase to re-establish connections with friends, indulge in a favourite pastime or get involved in a community where you can mingle with different individuals. Engage in activities that bring you genuine delight, making you feel positive about yourself and not alone. It’s crucial to seek assistance from a therapist, to bolster your self-esteem, ponder on your expectations in your relationships, determine how to achieve that, and learn how to be present in your relationships. This way, you can value them while simultaneously staying emotionally accessible to individuals searching for the same thing you are. I sincerely hope for your success and anticipate that you’ll stumble upon a great, mutual love. Start preparing now so you’re equipped for when the right one knocks on your door.
[ I am questioning whether I am settling in my relationship or simply being pragmatic? ]