Could you share some details of your fresh publication, “Love Me!”?
“Love Me!” is a personal exploration of a woman in her forties, seeking a rich existence full of love, sex, community, and family without adhering to traditional social norms such as committed relationships and parenthood. It begins with my experience of repeated failed romances, leading me to ponder why my love life seems to constantly tumble and why I hadn’t chosen the familial trajectory many of my peers had opted for—marriage and children. This led to self-critique and questioning whether I hadn’t met my ideal partner yet or perhaps if it was indicative of the multiple trajectories life can take. Thus began my journey of enquiry where I unveiled the growing single positivity movements, the power of strong female friendships and self-love, battled my sexual insecurities at Tantra retreats, and explored my stand on motherhood and the possibility of regretting not having children later.
Were you successful in discovering a love-filled life outside of marriage and children?
Absolutely! It’s almost frustrating that I spent four years trying to confirm this, but the answer is a resounding yes.
Your mum once commented, “I never had you down as the marrying and having children type.”
Indeed, she did! I was just a girl then and, regrettably, interpreted her remark negatively, assuming she meant I was not desirable which wasn’t her intention at all. She believed the conventional demands of family life wouldn’t harmonise with my personality, and she was spot on – much as it irks me how correct she usually is.
“Love Me!” is ostensibly a continuation of “Help Me!”, your preceding book where you trailed advice from different self-help books monthly for a year. Would you mind sharing some insights from that initiative?
My fascination with personal development literature had always been a point of humor among my circle of friends. There was a particular book that struck a chord with me titled, ‘How to Stop Worrying and Start Living’; despite reviewing it multiple times, my worrywart tendencies persisted. However, I sincerely believed that implementing the guidance from these self-help books could indeed bring a change. So, one dreary, hungover Sunday, I thought of an experiment to live these books for a whole year, hoping to witness personal growth and transformation. Clearly, that was an unrealistic expectation.
Some say it was similar to edging yourself towards a mental breakdown in the name of self-improvement. I find this assessment quite astute, although individuals immersed in self-help theory often interpret breakdowns as breakthroughs. Indeed, I ventured to extreme lengths in the course of this experiment, from skydiving to stand-up comedy, nude modelling, and even arranging my own funeral. This was not just an eccentric activity, it poked at profound insecurities. When I finally resorted to therapy, my therapist deemed my actions hazardous, equating me to an unsupervised lab rat. Regardless, I did make it through and garnered profound insights.
In ‘Help Me!’, I decided to delve into the search for love, based on the premise shared by a friend that the experiment would have been futile without exploring romance. This led me to venture into fearless dating, striking conversations with unknown faces on the Tube, and even approaching a captivating stranger at a café. However, in retrospect, my endeavors were partially motivated by societal expectations. ‘Love Me!’ investigates more deeply into my reluctance towards romantic involvements, gleaming light on my discomfort associated with intimacy, body image, and sensual pleasure.
When asked which book influenced me the most, my response is…
Are you inquiring about the book I’ve penned, or the self-improvement literature I’ve read? In respect to the one I authored – it has drastically, yet subtly transformed me. Although the core of my identity remains consistent, I am far more comfortable and understanding towards my character following the publication. I continue to be financially irresponsible and untidy…but conversing with virtually anyone and feeling comfortable in my own skin comes easier than before. A realisation dawned on me that irrespective of outward appearances, we all are human and all have our own set of issues. It took a bit of time for this seemingly apparent notion to sink in.
Regarding the inspiring books I’ve read – The Power of Now authored by Eckhart Tolle is a favourite. I am also fascinated with the ideas of Bella De Paulo who discusses individuals who are “single at heart” – a title I feel connected to. I was relieved when I first encountered this phrase, it clarified why I had instinctively made certain choices in life.
My book, Help Me! could have easily become a cheap trick, instead, it exposed my raw emotions. Was such a display of vulnerability painful? Did it have therapeutic effects?
During the writing phase, my concern was not about privacy. It was just me, my thoughts and my computer; writing honestly was primary, or it wouldn’t have been worth my while. Reading out sections for the audiobook made me realise what I had divulged. People responded with hundreds of messages, saying my book was reflective of their thoughts and struggles, which made them feel less isolated. Messages poured in from readers in countries like Iran, Afghanistan and Russia, all relating to my story. Isn’t that just incredible? Our deepest worries and embarrassments are, it turns out, quite common, shattering our illusion of uniqueness. That was comforting and provided immense respite.
Would you consider Help Me! a self-help book, in its own manner?
While I didn’t set out to author a self-help guide – simply because I don’t consider myself an authority conveying wisdom, my life experiences and lessons turned out to indeed be beneficial to a number of readers, which I find gratifying.
Born on English soil to Irish parents, life has indeed given me a dual identity. My mother hails from Kerry and my father is Clonmel-born. Our home was a distinctly British suburb in Surrey, however, school holidays always took us back to Ireland. Ballybunion beach held our summer-soaked memories and despite our noticeably English accents, my sisters and I grew up with a firm understanding of our Irish heritage. I enjoyed living between these contrasting worlds.
As a features editor with the Irish Daily Mail, I spent several years residing in Dublin. When I joined the publication, it was a young team resembling a start-up atmosphere. It was an intense period, often spent working long hours, only to end the day with a pint of Guinness at Jury’s hotel past midnight. Although stressful and time-consuming, it’s where I fostered some of the closest friendships. Dublin offered me more enjoyment than any other city ever has. London is undoubtedly majestic and inspirational, but its vastness can leave one feeling rather insignificant. Dublin, on the other hand, with its compactness and warm citizens, is a far more endearing city to inhabit.
My mother has always recalled her Dublin days fondly, particularly her time spent teaching during her twenties. Involvement in activities which my mother partook in, such as visiting Brown Thomas, gave me great joy. She also mentioned spending time at The Winding Stair near famous feminists like Nell McCafferty, absorbing their passionate talks – making my first visit there quite special. My work for the Irish Daily Mail even gave me the opportunity to engage Nell personally, which was thoroughly exciting. Once, I was stopped on Camden Street by a man who had recognised me from my resemblance to my mum, which I found astonishing. He had been a neighbour to my mum during her childhood – such encounters are rare in a city like London!
When it comes to challenges, I think that while Irish and British women may face some similar issues, the cultural nuances can also create unique concerns.
The influence of my Irish Catholic upbringing, largely driven by Irish nuns, on my perspectives about sexuality and bodily perception cannot be understated. This upbringing heavily drilled in me the norm of becoming a “good girl” and prioritising others before myself – a derivation of the nuns’ proverb “the last shall be first and the first shall be last”. In my opinion, such conditioning is a common experience of numerous women, but it was even more pronounced in my own education.
Is the representation of women in the media, such as tabloids like The Mail, problematic considering their scrutiny of women’s actions and physical appearance through sections like “sidebar of shame”?
I staunchly believe that it is indeed problematic. Being part of such a system can often cloud one’s judgement of how damaging it might be. In today’s age, women are excessively and negatively evaluated in newspapers, and certain glossies propagate the false narrative that a woman’s worth is determined by her ownership of high-end accessories or cosmetic enhancements.
Eventually, I chose to distance myself from the media for a period, realising that it was not progressing towards a beneficial direction. After a while, I am back in the journalism industry, not only to secure an income but also to influence the vast number of readers one can reach. There’s a potent opportunity to use media for good that I wish to harness and spread messages that uplift readers and inspire positivity.
At the moment, my role as a features editor at I Newspaper provides me with a platform to feature works of my favourite authors and share my views and ideas, which is a privilege indeed.
Currently, my primary task involves promoting my book!
As for a query about a literary pilgrimage, I haven’t undertaken one myself but entertain the idea of it possibly being an enchanting experience.
What’s the most invaluable advice about writing that I’ve come across?
I’ve internalised two: The first one being from Elmore Leonard stating “if it sounds like writing, rewrite it” and the second one from Mary Oliver: “Things take the time they take, don’t hurry”. While the latter does not quite gel with the strict deadline-driven nature of journalism, it holds significant relevance to book writing.
Who holds the highest prestige in my life?
During the penning of my recent book, I developed a fascination for Jenny Keane, who initiated web-based adult sex education during the pandemic-induced stay-at-home period. Her sessions, which impart a sense of joy and integrity to the topic of sex, bring in participants ranging from age 18 to 80. Her refreshing approach definitely adds value to this world, as per a friend of mine who called her work divine!
If made a supreme authority for a day, the question of whether to establish or scrap a law would be beyond me – I’d rather transfer such a perplexing decision to my mother or siblings, who would certainly perform the task more efficaciously.
Recommendations for current books, films, and podcasts? Emma Stone’s wildly free and honest character in “Poor Things” is a thrill to watch. Presently, my reading list includes “Iconic” by Zandra Rhodes, a biography that I am delving into before an upcoming interview with her. She is indeed a distinctive figure. I miss this sort of persona in today’s time. As for podcasts, my preference lies with Krista Tippett’s “On Being” which I listen to repeatedly, particularly her conversation with John O’Donohue and “The Rest is Politics”, a blend of British and worldwide news commentary by Rory Stewart, an ex-Tory MP, and Alistair Campbell, Tony Blair’s former PR head. Despite my limited knowledge of politics, their vibrant discussion of global incidents is truly enlightening.
Discussing the public event that stirred me the most, the 2012 Summer Olympics held in London instantly pops into my mind. Viewing the opening ceremony with numerous others on a rooftop was an exceptional experience, evoking a rare sense of English pride within me. This occurrence made me aware of my dual identity as an English and Irish. The feeling of happiness across the city that summer, combined with the relief of successfully hosting the event, is unforgettable.
When the 2009 expose on ecclesiastical sexual abuse emerged while I was living in Ireland, I was overwhelmed with feelings of heartbreak and fury. It wasn’t just the victims of the abuse who suffered, but also their romantic partners, their offspring, and even further generations. The concept of ancestral trauma, which suggests that we hold onto these traumas internally, even if they didn’t directly impact us, resonates with me deeply. Despite this, I’m consistently moved by Ireland’s capacity for resilience, forgiveness, and eagerness to evolve.
The most noteworthy locale I’ve been to?
I embarked on a solo journey from Los Angeles to San Francisco, something I had fancied doing but presumed I’d need male company for, considering my dislike for driving. However, when no man was available, I went on this solo adventure and it turned out to be an unforgettable experience, replete with relaxing hot springs, charming hippies, and moonlit dances among the redwoods. It was a dreamlike voyage that’s etched in my memory. In an interesting twist, the only available accommodation at one of my pitstops was the honeymoon suite, which I rented for myself. I couldn’t have been more elated.
Which object do you hold most dear?
Artwork and letters from my mate’s children when they were young.
Can you name the most beautiful book in your selection?
An elegant Taschen production on the topic of witchcraft holds pride of place on my coffee table, although I’ve yet to peruse it. I haven’t stepped into the world of witchcraft either – at least, not yet.
Which authors, alive or deceased, would you invite to your dream banquet?
Edna O’Brien, Vivian Gornick, Fran Lebowitz and Graham Norton would make for a fascinating list of initial invitees.
What’s the best and worst aspects of your current residence?
I reside in an incredibly small apartment situated across a fry shop in East End of London. The striking aspects of it include the breathtaking sunset views and my friendly neighbours. During the quarantine period, we all bonded well. Gary, one of my neighbours, is a vocalist who often sings songs to me from the street, given that my windows are open. He finds it awkward if he’s singing and I do not acknowledge him. Another neighbour of mine, Nelly is of French Armenian and Algerian descent. She works as a filmmaker and stays below my apartment. Whenever its time for a coffee break, she hits her roof with a broom. Thomas dwells in the basement. He is active in the fashion industry and although his attire is beyond my comprehension he routinely assists my mother in assembly of furniture despite having an engagement with Chanel in Paris. My mother, a source of love for all my neighbours, resides nearby. She frequently treats us all with chicken soup. Though it seems we should supply her meals as she is in her golden years, she instead serves us. I feel enormously fortunate to be living in this place. It gives me a feeling of living in the ‘Notting Hill’ movie – but in East London. I love capturing the sunset views over the fry shop and posting them on social platforms, and if I don’t post for some time, people inquire about the fry shop. My two siblings also live in the vicinity. The downside? The temperature of the apartment rises intensely due to the absence of a bathing tub in summers.
A quote that resonates with me is “Don’t hurry, things take the time they take.” It crosses my mind daily.
A book that makes me chuckle?
I thoroughly enjoyed ‘Strong Female Character’ by Fern Brady. It’s a brutally honest, humorous, and keen analysis of the traces of autism.
A book that could make me weep?
Though it’s years old now, ‘A Little Life’ by Hanya Yanagihara is the most touching book I have ever read.
Love Me! is released by Picador.