Dear Roe,
Over the past seven years, my relationship with my partner, who is now my fiancé, has brought me tremendous happiness. Recently, we decided to promise our lives to one another through engagement, symbolising our strong commitment. We’ve navigated various highs and lows during our journey, having purchased a property together, endeavoured through IVF treatments and celebrated the arrival of our little girl. However, I face a significant issue; an inclination to fault my partner for minor incidents, which often results in disagreement between us. If I misplace my keys or fail to locate an item, I instinctively accuse him, experiencing genuine irritation, despite later realising his innocence. Interestingly, I do not display such behaviour with any other individual in my life. Observing the blame-game and negative tones in my parents’ relationship before they split may have had an influence. My partner shows patience, though understandably, he finds my attitude bothersome. I often feel regret afterwards and extend my apologies, but I genuinely desire to see this end. I dread the potential toxicity this could bring to our relationship and I seek guidance on how to tackle this unhealthy reaction in time.
While acknowledging this, I appreciate the massive transformations you’ve undergone. Relocating and nurturing a newborn are counted amongst the most stress-inducing life events for a couple. Couple that with the taxing aspects of IVF, whether physical, emotional or financial in nature, you’ve been through a significant amount. The need for careful planning, enduring angst, physical efforts, location changes and hormonal shifts over the past few years can’t be understated. After such a war, finally achieving your goals – a baby and a new living space – may make you feel obligated to simply express gratitude. Yet, we’re only human. Our strength lies in our ability to experience a spectrum of emotions simultaneously, even though their timeline may not be sequential.
Have you ever noticed how you’re able to handle great pressure but fall ill as soon as you get a break? Our bodies are evolutionarily primed to survive situations.The adrenaline rush helps us through demanding times, but prolonged exposure to such heightened state leads to exhaustion and eventually, we break down.
Knowing your deep appreciation towards your dwelling and dear child, I would venture to say that accumulated strain and fatigue are likely starting to affect you. You’re totally drained out, but the luxury of collapsing is denied to you because a little one relies on you. Your endurance has funded a marathon, yet the reward awaiting isn’t a calming pause, warm blankets, or weariness-relief, but rather sleeplessness, a child’s tears, and relentless coordination.
If I had to guess, life could appear unbearably intense at this moment, and any minor mishap seems to rob you of control over your existence. It is a regrettable human tendency to blame the companion nearest to us when our lives are overpowered by situations because we relate proximity to causality or as we expect our partners to shield us from stress, or simply because pointing fingers at others seems a softer hit than acknowledging our own struggle.
It’s essential to concede that you’re struggling. Acknowledging the struggle is the first step towards addressing and resolving the problem, together.
The journey might have some thorny patches. According to a 2019 One Poll survey of 2,000 newbie parents, they could have up to seven disagreements per day, leading to an exorbitant 2,500 disputes a year. The transition in responsibility, lack of sleep, and limited personal and shared leisure time can create substantial stress and friction. Effective communication and a united effort to tackle problems at this stage is crucial.
It’s the right moment to adopt a triple-faceted method: Recognising the major obstacles you both face and designing solutions, integrating wider social support, and dedicating time to restore your bond with each other.
Start by expressing regret to your partner for the earlier outburst and assure him that you’re committed to self-improvement. Solicit his assistance in tackling the significant stress triggers in both of your lives. In unison, assess your daily and weekly timetable and evaluate each chore that requires attention. It’s crucial not just to speak about your respective needs, but to clarify your anticipations. Misjudged assumptions may become a hotbed for hard feelings. Is either of you harboring some hidden expectations – a frictionless night-time routine, some respite post work, social bonding time – that haven’t been voiced, thereby sowing seeds of bafflement, or might they be overambitious leading to disillusionment? How can the scale of these expectations be pared down whilst enhancing the essence of collaborative efforts?
Could you institute a system of periodic evaluations where the efficacies and inefficiencies of your daily schedule are discussed and improvements sought? Just knowing that challenges will be confronted lends a certain relief, as one knows the struggles won’t go unheeded or unassisted. During these evaluations and at any opportune moment in the day, make it a habit to extend mutual gratitude. Even small deeds shouldn’t go unnoticed. Expressing gratitude brings validation and appreciation for the small efforts each of you are making for this shared journey. Verbalising it reinforces your sense of appreciation and boosts moral, and serves as a gentle reminder that you’re both on the same team, especially while navigating stressful situations like misplacing your keys.
Raising a child isn’t a responsibility meant exclusively for two individuals – it can be overwhelming. Start building a supportive community.
Try taking turns in allotting an hour of personal time while the other tends to the baby, engaging in activities that genuinely alleviate stress. The pressing matter at hand is your anger, so that should be your first point of concern. What about consulting a therapist who can provide a safe space for venting and equip you with coping mechanisms and effective communication skills when you’re sensation of being swamped returns? Is there a need for physical activity to expend surging energy, or do you prefer writing to help declutter your mind? Perhaps, practising mindfulness via meditation might help maintain coolness when tackling minor hiccups. Self-care isn’t merely about indulgence, it also entails upkeep, particularly since you currently need to resolve an anger management issue. Address it proactively.
Every single day, it’s essential that both you and your spouse-to-be snatch a few moments to unite and reconnect. Even though lounging around may sound enticing, it’s important to primarily foster your bond. Think about a mobile phone with a dwindling battery: powering off helps prevent energy-depletion, yet it doesn’t replenish the battery. The strength of your relationship must be rejuvenated. If you only manage to secure 10 minutes, ensure these moments are undisturbed. Keep the topics focused on the two of you, put away from your phones, switch off the tele, and concentrate solely on one another. Experience a tender moment. Share a kiss. Read some literature to one another. Pose a question to your partner where you are uncertain of the response. Applications like Agape or Flamingo Cards are beneficial for this kind of interaction. It’s necessary to experience yourself as an individual as well your identity as a couple, instead of solely being seen as parents.
On this matter, utilise your support network. It’s improbably difficult for a lone couple to bring up a child. Seek assistance from your community. Encourage friends or relatives to babysit, allowing you personal and shared time together. If feasible, try to set aside time for individual pursuits or interests which define you. It’s important not to lose sight of who you are, consumed by incessant chores.
Take heart, it will get less challenging eventually. For now, you’re deep in the thick of it – always remember that you’re tackling it as a team. I wish you the best of luck.