An established understanding of introverts is brilliantly conveyed in a compilation of traits authored by Max Freyd a hundred years ago in his scholarly paper in the Psychological Review. Despite a few of his descriptions now being archaic or humorous, the collective impression indisputably reflects contemporary perceptions of introverted personalities.
The well-known psychoanalyst, Carl Jung, was the initial endorser of the term ‘introversion’ much before Freyd’s list saw the light, expanding its meaning beyond just being a social characteristic and acknowledging its impact on thought-process, problem-solving skills and interaction with the world. Modern neuroscience has further provided tangible evidence of distinct neurological differences between extroverts and introverts.
An enhanced blood flow in the frontal lobes, the area accountable for judgment, planning and attention, characterizes introverts along with a more docile dopamine reward network. This variation in the brain’s reward-related activities explains why an introvert might feel overwhelmed or nervous versus an extrovert’s excitement when they are asked out by someone they’re fond of.
Unboxing the theme of dating, curiosity arises regarding how introverts, who exhibit both social and neurological differences compared to extroverts, navigate romantic relationships with those of a contrasting temperament. In her book, Introverts in Love: The Quiet Way to Happily Ever After, Sophia Dembling, a self-professed “professional introvert” and a writer based in Dallas, emphasises that the most frequent query she received from fellow introverts was about their possible compatibility with either an introvert or extrovert.
Susan Cain, renowned author of the best-selling New York Times book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, suggests that introverts are fundamentally split. 50% of them relish the idea of having an extroverted partner who can take charge of social situations, thus allowing them to ride along with someone else’s planning. The remaining 50%, however, much prefer a quieter partner with whom they can enjoy peaceful times at home.
A testament to the probable appeal of the former, Cain finds herself married to an extrovert with whom she shares an intense attraction, spurred by their contrasting dispositions. Her husband is talkative while she keeps him grounded – a balance she thoroughly enjoys.
Despite the initial attractive energy which comes from the intertwining of divergent temperaments, introvert-extrovert bonds can be rather complex to manoeuvre. However, Cain has discovered, through years of romantic involvement with those more socially outgoing, that with adequate understanding, these relationships don’t have to be disorienting.
Moreover, it is essential to acknowledge that introversion does not translate to being antisocial or ill-tempered. Although Dembling, like Cain, concedes to occasional grumpiness when her personal space is infringed upon after social interactions, it’s simply because introverts recharge in calm, low-stimulus surroundings while extroverts thrive in social environments.
In instances where finding quiet solitude proves challenging, like when she stayed with her late husband’s family for a lengthened period, Dembling appreciated her partner’s readiness to act as a buffer against overly-social interactions.
“She articulates, “Whenever I craved an energizing solitary walk, he would provide alibis for my absence. He managed to carve out those moments for me, understanding that safeguarding my solitude would be more beneficial for everyone involved. Acknowledging the introvert’s requirement [for lone time] can potentially enhance the couple’s overall joy.”
Annie Lavin, a Dublin-based relationship coach and certified psychotherapist, emphasizes the necessity of plain-spoken dialogue on the topic of seclusion.
“An introvert could feel exhausted or depleted by their [extroverted] partner’s penchant for social interactions, and it’s crucial that this genuine requirement for revival is esteemed. However, it’s equally true that some extroverts may misconstrue their introvert partner’s desire for solitude as indifference or withdrawal,” she elucidates.
“It might be beneficial to assure your extroverted partner that your solitude is not an indication of dissatisfaction with the time you both share, particularly during the initial stages of a relationsip.”
In Cain’s viewpoint, “It’s crucial for extroverts to comprehend that, even though introverts cherish their time alone, this doesn’t imply a lack of affection towards them.”
Harmony
Tackling disparities in enthusiasm and social inclinations can feel particularly intimidating during the first stages of dating, when insecurity and the need to make a good impression can impede the expression of genuine needs. According to Lavin, empathy and versatility are critical once the boldness for such candid discussions is summoned.
“When arranging a date, an introvert might prefer a serene, personal dinner or drinks, while their extroverted counterpart might lean towards the most popular, bustling venue in the city for its vibrant ambiance,” she postulates.
“But in scenarios such as these, both individuals can profit from a straightforward dialogue about their social preferences, and by reaching a compromise that respects their distinctive needs. Some couples might decide on a rotation between tranquil evenings and larger social outings for their dates.”
Cain highlights the significance of coming up with innovative ways to communicate and understand each other’s needs, rather than giving up at the slightest challenge: “Engage in a conversation about your ideal social life and find out how you can satisfy and respect each other’s requirements, this includes understanding that it’s acceptable for one person to be outgoing while the other prefers staying at home.”
Discard the Extravert Benchmark
Trying to traverse the dating world as an introvert often feels like delicately avoiding a series of social demands, many of which we feel constantly unprepared to fulfil. The stigma of introversion as a sort of “Mental shortcoming” needing a cure, was highlighted in a recent conversation with a friend seeking guidance on her new romantic interest. He was charming in individual interactions and small groups but in her view, he lost his appeal in larger crowds, like her close-knit family of over 20 individuals.
“We tend to be seen as unsuccessful extroverts rather than accepted in our own unique framework,” says Dembling, who also expresses her intense dislike for being thrust into social events without any forewarning.
Dembling admits, she enjoys intimate gatherings where she can hold “genuine conversations.” On the contrary, events intended for networking or larger social affairs, where mingling is immense, feels nightmarish.
“I feel like a sea sponge at these events: Fixed in one place, chatting with anyone who happens to pass by,” she confesses.
Dembling isn’t alone. Many endure discomfort navigating social spaces in certain dating situations due to perceived social deficiencies. Admittingly, both of us have confessed to being terrible at flirtation and repelled by casual chit-chat – those standard queries of “Where’s your office?” or “Your favourite pizza topping?” which Dembling yearns to accelerate. A useful pointer from Dembling? Try asking open-ended questions which could ignite more substantial conversations, much like the favourite one between her and her late husband: “What made you smile today?”
Introverts necessitate understanding and patience from those around them, rather than harsh judgement. Managed expectations in social surroundings can lessen the anxiety often accrued, particularly during the initial phases of relationships, where there’s perceived societal pressure to take on the persona of an extrovert or a ‘social butterfly’.
In the opinion of Dembling, relinquishing such societal expectations can grant a sense of relief and genuineness within the world of dating. She illustrates this by stating, “When I accept my introverted nature, the prospect of attending parties becomes less daunting. It’s when I force myself to behave as an extrovert that I am left feeling defeated and become disinclined towards social gatherings.”
Owning one’s uniqueness facilitates introverts to manoeuvre through the dating process. Recurring dating scenarios often involve crowded bars, clubs, or house parties brimming with strangers, which could be overwhelming for an introvert. They, however, can optimise their dating experiences by planning in more calming and distraction-free environments, enabling a more authentic connection. Even though introverts tend to be more resource-intensive in socialising, the right context can make it a pleasurable experience.
Dembling stresses, in our society that seems to favour extroversion, introverts may overlook their own ability to influence. Often waiting to be selected or invited, just like they wait for social invites. She suggests that instead of enduring a date set in an uncomfortable environment, introverts could take charge and arrange a more suitable setting. This entails identifying one’s comfort zones in social settings, striking a balance that honours both parties’ needs, resulting in a successful date.
It’s imperative in any introvert-extrovert relationship to understand and respect their varying preferences. This can range from enjoying the ideal party to finding peace with a quality book in a serene corner. Embracing these differences can lighten the mood and introduce a valued sense of humour in the mix.
Cain highlights that accepting our differences needn’t always be a gloomy affair. Following her work on Quiet, she discovered that a significant portion of her domestic wrangles with her spouse began to ease upon recognising that they originated from divergences in their individual dispositions. Although these discrepancies that often ignite tension, they can also spark enjoyment and even humour.
“She recollects, “After numerous squabbles during long drivings over the volume of the car stereo, we came to appreciate that our dispute was born out of our dissimilar characteristic traits. Recognition of this made negotiations and humorous acceptance of the disagreement somewhat easier.”
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For the introverts grappling with how to get through that initial, agonising phase of courtship, realising that once you’ve done the ‘hard yards’, as it were, a serene, more comfortable stage of closeness is on the horizon. With the familiarity of morning breath and unruly hair comes the supremacy of what Dembling terms as “value-added solitude” where your significant other, likened to a cherished piece of homeware, becomes a person to whom you no longer need to put on a show.