Dear Roe,
As a female, I’ve shared life as well as delightful moments with my partner for a span of four years. These years have defined him as benign, considerate, and humorous while also bringing us closer in shared ideologies. Our shared dream is to walk down the aisle and start a family, seeing that I believe he’d excel as a father. However, our occasional altercations pose a challenge to our relationship. It’s never physical or hurtful, but minor disputes inevitably climax and he turns defensive, shifting blame before withdrawing from the conversation. Meanwhile, I’m left anxious with a growing fear that this could be an indication of our incompatibility. Our arguments carry on without resolution, as initiating a non-confrontational conversation proves to be a hurdle for us. Both of us weren’t fortunate enough to have perfect relational guidance growing up; my father was absent and his parents separated amidst recurring disputes during his teenage years. We’re in agreement that this style of argument shouldn’t be the environment our future children grow in. While I still desire to be with him, it’s crucial we enhance our dispute resolution and communication skills, yet we’re unsure about our first step.
The first step to address this issue would be to seek the assistance of a therapist individually. The upbringing both of you had seems to have affected your personal growth and relationship. You had an absence of a paternal figure and he witnessed unhealthy parental dynamics; these differing circumstances could be influencing your reactions in a conflict. It’s somewhat presumptive to conclude that fatherless-girl syndrome could be causing you to become anxious at the slight hint of discontentment while the tumultuous relationship of his parents might be resulting in his conflict aversion as a defence mechanism. However, it’s worth investigating these perspectives. It’s advisable to uncover the emotions you both experience during conflict, understanding what each of you require to feel secure. Developing these skills will benefit you in all life areas, not only your relationship struggles. The exploration of concepts like attachment theory might provide more insight into your situation (please note that this should be used as an instrument to better understand oneself and identify helpful strategies, rather merely a hard and fast rule for life, regardless of how social media might persuade you).
Seeking professional relationship guidance may help unravel the recurring issues you and your partner face. According to the brief details provided, there are three primary aspects to consider in conflict times: improved communication; pausing when needed; and setting apart time for reconciliation.
Improved communication involves more than just increasing the frequency. It is about being open, inquisitive, and kindly presumptive about your partner’s intentions, thus eliminating any fear or guilt. Brené Brown, a vulnerability research specialist, often encourages honesty and clarity about the mental narratives formed when we feel threatened, undervalued or worried. Expressing such narratives can not only enable us to perceive our inner emotions but also clarify the origin of our feelings for our partner, allowing them to rectify our presuppositions before they get out of hand. For instance, saying, “We seem a bit distant and the narrative I’m creating is that you are angry at me/losing interest in me/no longer find me attractive and that worries me,” is a communication approach that makes us ponder the situations that trigger us and demands a gracious sincerity. It’s a form of sincerity that gives the other person insight into what’s happening and invites them to share their view, rather than suspecting malintent.
Using improved communication can also mean beginning conversations with the assumption that your partner means well, and proceeding with that in mind. Helpful prompts might be, “I may have misunderstood this. What was your intention when you said/did that?”; “I’m sure you didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. Can you explain your perspective?”; or “I trust you didn’t mean to create a gap but my feelings are hurt. Can we discuss this peacefully and figure out what transpired?” Such language serves to reinforce to both you and your partner that you’re battling the issue together, not each other. However, this approach only succeeds if both individuals are genuinely aiming to treat each other well and is irrelevant in the case of consistent manipulative, harsh, or abusive behaviour.
Consider taking a short break when arguments become intense or appear to be going nowhere. It seems you and your partner have contrasting styles of managing conflict and a moment’s respite may allow the both of you to recollect your thoughts and potentially transpose your perspective. If heated discussions induce anxiety and panic for you, determining a specific time and location to resume the discussion is vital. It’s not enough to simply leave the issue unresolved; a comprehensive plan to revisit it is necessary. Would it be possible for both of you to agree to say something similar to: “I believe it’s necessary for us to take a moment to unwind. Could we reconvene by the sofa in an hour, or perhaps discuss this in the kitchen at 6 pm before supper?” Confirming an agreed time and location could help avoid potential misunderstandings or power struggles.
As you take this break, intentionally engage in an activity that will assist you in managing your emotions and provide clarity for your upcoming conversation in which your goal is not to compete, but to understand one another.
Once the fruitful conversation that precedes a potential resolve takes place, plan a bonding period to unwind and reconnect, such as going for a leisurely stroll, a cuddle session, or engaging in deep conversations that can be sparked by apps like Agape or question card decks from The School Of Life or Esther Perel. Celebrating these moments of resolution is essential as it not only helps in overcoming the dispute but serves as a reaffirmation of your commitment to one another. Considering your childhood experiences, it’s worth pondering whether you observed adults in your life make attempts to restore relationships post disagreements. More often than not, parents quarrel in the presence of their children and choose to reconcile privately, leaving the children feeling insecure with no clear example of how to mend fences following a dispute. Recognizing this could be a healing process, and considering how you would wish to resolve arguments with each other and in the future model these techniques for your own children is essential.
Clearly, there is a significant amount of affection and mutual respect in your relationship, and I am confident you two will endure.