Parenthood is a constant endeavour, much similar to being fired from your regular job and rejoining as a consultant – only with more flexibility and less responsibility. Gratefully, I am free from the obligations of parenting young children, not merely due to overwhelming exhaustion, but also due to the increasingly demanding challenge parenthood has become.
With the birth of my first child around the same time as the internet’s inception, we heavily relied on reading books. We did this for similar reasons that most budding parents, predominantly mothers, find themselves aimlessly scrolling at 2am with inquiries like “Why won’t my baby stop crying”.
Even in bygone eras like the 1990s, heated debates and discernible parenting philosophies were prevalent. The battle between attachment and strict routine parenting was on; breastfeeding faced off against bottle feeding.
Random onlookers inexplicably thought it was their obligation to judge new mothers’ parenting decisions during their most sensitive moments of post-birth hormonal imbalance.
Fast forward to today, and we see this issue amplified grotesquely by the internet’s relentless algorithms; one search initiates an avalanche of similar content.
Sleep-deprived, even the most serene new parents can crumble under the pressure. Coupled with the relentless streams of protective feelings and boundless love (or the emotions of withdrawal and darkness which can occur in post-natal depression) that birth initiates, the probable outcome is a state of anxiety.
The internet is a slick machine, designed to exploit this anxiety, keeping you hooked on the endless hunt for the dopamine rush you get when you discover the perfect way to burp a screaming baby. After the initial frantic three months, the focus might shift to making sure your child doesn’t become a threat to society due to insufficient parenting.
In the technology era, all predictable cycles speed up. Consequently, I became acquainted with the concept of gentle parenting just as the criticism against it started gaining momentum.
Frankly, the concept was appealing. Isn’t adopting a calm and nurturing demeanor as a parent praiseworthy? Nevertheless, certain manifestations of this philosophy involve a ban on using words like no or stop, except in life-threatening instances. Instead, it’s all about guiding your tiny tyke through overwhelming feelings with structured language, showcasing understanding, and giving them options.
This is where the tiniest murmur of concern begins for me. The bulk of the backlash heavily criticises how self-absorbed children might become, while my prime concern is the mental and emotional toll it could exert on parents.
I possess no special insights or experience in child-rearing, aside from bringing up four children – none exhibiting homicidal tendencies (yet), thankfully. In my capacity as an educator, I’ve observed a plethora of parenting methodologies from afar, with a sample size in the thousands, though with no definitive scientific backing.
My perceived wisdom is that no singular approach suits every child. For example, providing choices to one of my children often ended in the outright denial of all the options presented.
One child reacted to reasoning, while another deemed it offensive. One child abhorred conflict, going to the extend of physically fleeing from it. Another child believed that once a trivial dispute arose, spending hours deciphering and discussing it was the only justifiable course of action.
Young parents are swamped and notwithstanding a few exceptions, are sincerely doing their utmost in a society where self-interests outweigh communal ones, compounding the difficulties in parenthood. (Just because the UK’s policies on matters such as maternity leave are not as horrific as in the US doesn’t mean we are a child-friendly nation.)
Oftentimes, individuals live far removed from their parents and their original social circle. It’s no surprise then, that they hinge on the internet for advice, feeling further overwhelmed when ‘keyboard experts’ fail to pacify little Rían or Raya.
Here’s a bitter-sweet revelation for parents. You lack both the authority to entirely mould your child and the capacity to be flawless at parenting.
Also, remember that not every aspect of one’s life is defined by their childhood. We are all familiar with people who, despite dysfunctional family backgrounds, have grown into responsible, entertaining, and compassionate individuals. Simultaneously, we know of parents who have given their all, only for their child to still go astray.
Babies come into this world with indelibly embedded traits. While these characteristics are not unchangeable, often times, if fortune favours us, all we manage to do is soften the harsh facets and refine the better personality tendencies.
The positive aspect is that raising children is significantly fulfilling and there is wisdom to be gathered from almost every child-rearing tactic. Keeping your emotional balance as steady as possible, for instance, is beneficial while admitting your blunders when they occur is even more advantageous.
Nevertheless, a myriad of recent child-rearing techniques appear to disregard any concept of parental instinct or ancestral knowledge. Some even anticipate that you have limitless time, a single child and exceptional communication skills equivalent to those of a global crisis mediator.
Therefore, perhaps what is required is to put down our digital devices and admit that child-rearing is a challenging task where no one achieves absolute perfection. Concurrently, we must remain appreciative for the opportunity to partake in the amusement, mirth and instances of absolute delight that child-rearing provides.