Dear Roe,
Are you able to offer some guidance in dealing with a friend’s breakup? Years ago, I had a close buddy, but as time passed, he gradually started declining our meet-ups and our chats on WhatsApp began becoming less frequent until they completely ceased. Last week, to my surprise, I discovered he had been vacationing in a place we had once planned to visit together; a place he knew was close to my heart. He did not even bother to drop me a message. We’re both in same-sex marriages and I understand that life changes and people move on. Yet, the abrupt end of a friendship that held such value to me left me with an unanswered question: why it ended.
I don’t believe it’s odd to seek advice on this. We often undermine the impact a friendship breakup can cause, withholding the needed focus and care, thereby exacerbating the sense of loss. When it comes to the end of a romantic relationship, it’s socially acceptable to display our grief. Taking a respite from social interactions, indulging in melancholic movie marathons, opting for a drastic haircut, and being conflicted about the relationship for an extended period are all standard outlets to manage the emotional toll. These are stereotypical methods employed to cope with relationship endings but they serve a purpose because they enable us to move past our grief. They help us accept the end and prepare for the forthcoming phase sans the person. It also helps us garner support from others who empathise with our loss, offer comfort, and discourage drastic decisions like sudden hairstyle changes.
Friendship endings, in contrast to romantic splits, aren’t always clearly defined or socially accepted. Often, these relationships fade slowly and ambiguously without explicit closure. This obscurity can evoke a misplaced self-blame, as if our own inadequacy is the reason for the departing friend. Shame affiliated with this sorrow may result in avoidance, reducing our capacity to comprehend the magnitude of the loss or seek support from peers. Modern societal norms further exacerbate the situation by prioritising romantic relationships over friendships, thereby undermining the significance of the latter. However, reality, as we experience it, debunks these norms; each friendship indeed adds profound brightness, worth and richness to our lives.
As CS Lewis articulated, friendships, akin to art and philosophy, aren’t vital for survival, yet it’s these nonessential elements that ultimate elevate the quality of life — they add ‘value to survival’. Similarly, Anais Nin underscored the resourcefulness of friendships in broadening our personal dimensions, enhancing our worldly consciousness and encouraging novel ways of existence. Friends unveil unexplored realms within us — ‘each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive’. Therefore, it’s through the initiation of these friendships that ‘a new world is born’.
I can’t determine the exact reason why this individual has chosen to end their friendship with you. But it’s important to note that friendships can alter remarkably over time, and it’s not uncommon for people to fade out of your life only to reappear later on. This typically occurs during significant life events like moving houses, initiating a new romance, having children, or experiencing mental health struggles. Such friendships often reignite once these life transitions have stabilised. Additionally, studies tell us that as we grow and our lives, priorities and personalities evolve, we renew nearly 70% of our social circle every seven years. This does not indicate that we’re fervently dropping friends because we feel unjustly treated. Instead, it’s a reflection of our own personal growth and changes, where certain friendships are left behind as they no longer serve who we’ve become or meet our current needs. The ending of a friendship, much like that of a romantic relationship, is not indicative of failure or insignificance. It could merely imply that the friendship had reached its natural conclusion, making room for something new.
Considering friendships from this perspective could alleviate your concerns about the friendship meaning nothing to this person, which is probably not the case. Your distress appears to stem from a sense of unfinished business which is quite natural. However, let me offer some advice I give to anyone who has experienced ghosting or who seeks closure following the end of a romantic relationship. The comfort of closure is something we must gift ourselves with, as it’s rare to receive it from others. More often than not, self-instigated closure is the only type that truly heals.
Now, try to picture this person getting in touch, stating, “Hello, I understand that my sudden disappearance may have caused you pain, but there wasn’t any particular reason behind it. Our friendship expectations and the surprising turns of life simply render this friendship unworkable for me. However, I deeply cherish our shared moments and sincerely wish you well in life.” Ponder over how you might feel after such a conversation – a vague, somewhat detached reply, yet carrying a sense of finality and goodwill, dispelling any residual bitterness. While the response is not comprehensive, it does provide an answer. Might that offer you some tranquillity?
To ensure your serenity, do yourself a service by comprehending this message with the belief that it was sent by them – as in the absence of any more input, this interpretation could serve as a plausible explanation to their actions. You’ll be more at ease and attain closure by favourably understanding their quietude, thereby extending the benefit of the doubt to both parties.
If this response falls short of appeasing you, then there’s another issue that requires attention. If there’s a nagging urge within you to ascertain the real cause behind their departure, to pinpoint your mistakes, or to convince them with an argument that you could alter yourself, then we ought to examine the underpinnings of your relationship. Meditate upon the idea of not holding yourself responsible for it, and diverting your focus to bonds where you are valued, and there’s mutual communication. Ponder on the understanding that you made your utmost efforts to preserve your friendship, and it’s now upon you to cease pursuing someone who isn’t reciprocating. The journey back to self-realisation could be arduous, but it’s certainly therapeutic, and with passage of time, you’re likely to find tranquillity.
Mourn the loss of your friend as you would for a lost great love. Accept to yourself that the friendship, as it used to be, is a thing of the past now. Reach out to other friends and your partner to talk about it. Express your gratitude for the happy times, and feelings of being wronged, accept the changed circumstance, and your well wishes for them in a missive addressed to your ex-friend, however, hold yourself from delivering it; it’s meant for your eyes only. Reflect on all the positive influences they had on you, and contemplate on how to preserve those facets in you. Dedicate yourself to your other friendships, and show yourself some kindness by immersing yourself in joyful activities and trying new things as you step into a fresh phase in your life. I trust you will find love and support there.