Enquiry:
I’ve been married for about 12 years and have a wonderful family with lovely children. Both my husband and I are employed and we are content with our life. However, I am currently facing a dilemma; I’ve lost my physical attraction for my husband and I am apprehensive about being intimate with him. Although he wouldn’t pressure me, in order to keep him from getting hurt, I keep my feelings to myself. I don’t see a solution to this and I guess it’s a common issue that both genders have been dealing with or ignoring since the beginning of time. Any practical advice on this matter would be greatly appreciated.
Response:
We live in an era where sexuality is highly promoted in advertising and media, creating a perception that everyone is engrossed in frequent sexual activities, which isn’t necessarily the truth. According to the UK’s National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles, sexual activity may have reduced from the past decade, with a number of couples struggling to rekindle intimacy.
The reasons for this decline can be as simple as falling out of habit or more complicated. Individuals are intricate, and nowhere else do these intricacies surface more than in intimate relationships. Frequently, couples who are secure and comfortable in their relationship may neglect this issue and it only comes to light when one partner raises it.
Often, the absence of sexual activity is tolerated in order to prevent causing emotional pain, embarrassment or guilt to the partner. While this illustrates love, it can potentially hinder the couple’s best interests as open communication is vital. Based on a research named, ‘Enduring Love? Couple Relationships in the 21st century’, couples aim to be each other’s ‘best friends’ and normally, we share everything with our best friends. But in this scenario, the strategy to keep one of the crucial matters hidden can eventually lead to more hurt and confusion than the initial loss of attraction.
You’ve acknowledged in your communication that this predicament isn’t unusual. It’s common for many couples to be consumed by passionate affection and attraction in the initial stages of their romantic involvement, which tend to fade or even disappear entirely as time passes. Many people rue the loss of this aspect, while some see it as a regular progression of a relationship. However, seldom do both individuals in a romantic liaison agree on the balance of desire between them.
Couples will often hear words similar to ‘I care for you but I’m no longer in love with you’ echoing in their journey through splits or, as they weather the storms of matrimony.
[‘The thought of living unattached seems more joyful, yet I dread the potential turmoil of a chaotic split’]
Is it feasible to maintain the ignition of passion that characterises the early phase of a relationship throughout its lifetime? Moreover, what significance does warmth and intimacy bear in love and relationships? What can cause harm is when complete openness and intimacy are sought elsewhere; for instance, when one person confides their feelings of desire waning (since they need to share their feelings) to a third party, resulting in a growing fissure within the partnership, leading to its eventual destabilisation.
The presence of affection is central to the longevity of any romantic connection. However, if regular display of affection becomes insufficient due to fears of it being misconstrued as physical desire, the relationship risks becoming barren to the degree of being reduced to parenthood with little else to knot the ties between the partners. Two people can have immense emotional connection, warmth, loyalty in their relationship without the presence of sexual relations, but this demands they address the issue at hand and find alternate ways to maintain intimacy.
Honesty and willingness for vulnerability is the premier move. Showing the willingness to communicate about the absence of physical attraction and actively engaging with the issue are essential acts of commitment to the relationship. To listen to the other partner’s narrative of feeling rejected, of heartbreak or loss is an integral part of this mechanism.
This is not a simple problem to solve with only one conversation, and the intervention of a psychosexual therapist might be quite advantageous. Dialogue about the issue could lead some couples to profound realisations, culminating in a newfound level of intimacy that could potentially encompass sexual aspects. However, a significant number of couples discover a return to a relationship of warmth and closeness, where the certainty of commitment and unity exists, even in the absence of physical intimacy. Demonstrating respect and honour to your partner entails acknowledging their ability to deal with the truth, allowing them to fully express their hurt and pain, and granting them the autonomy to determine their own future. If you wish to ask Trish Murphy a question, kindly use the form provided below, click the provided link or send an email to [email protected].