In the middle of May, a striking graph was featured in the Wall Street Journal. Posted across the Journal’s various social media channels, this particular infographic displayed a line dramatically diving from the top of the graph. The caption to this arresting visual? “Insufficient Birth Rate Might Be Our Downfall.” Although this news might seem groundbreaking, the reality is that news outlets have been harping on about the declining birth rates for quite a few years. More often than not, women are held accountable.
Some argue that women have become excessively selective, others posit that there just isn’t enough religious faith among women. Singles dating has been affected by the #MeToo movement, and feminism has dismantled the conventional family setup. As conversations about diminishing birth rates get more heated, especially against the backdrop of a global clampdown on women’s reproductive rights, there’s a noticeable absence of perspective. Much has been written judging women for choosing not to have children, but not nearly enough has been done to understand the motivations and experiences of childfree women. To address this gap, two fresh non-fiction books that feature interviews with childfree women are in the works.
Caroline Magennis, a writer from Northern Ireland, compels us to appreciate the distinction between being “childfree” (by choice) and “childless” (due to absence) in her thought-provoking and timely book, Harpy. The book is centered around the importance of fostering care, community, and unity amongst childfree women. Her academic background allows her to provide sophisticated insights into how childfree women are portrayed in popular culture and the societal role of mothers. She suggests that while Irish mothers are idealised, they’re also overlooked, and Northern Irish mothers bear the weight of the past and are often depicted as either anxious or burdened by sorrow.
Despite the serious themes, Magennis maintains a relatable and engaging tone throughout. She starts Harpy by admitting that she looks for the women with a rebellious streak at social functions. She embodies that persona for the reader, effortlessly flowing from personal experiences to cultural critique to communal activism. Through her words, we gain insights into how childfree women continually grapple with societal expectations.
The themes of the chapters in Harpy’s book revolve around childfree women, touching on areas such as domestic life, relationships, popular culture, professional environment, societal and moral perceptions, and envisioning a better future for these women. To enrich the content of each chapter, Magennis interacted with 55 childfree women and shared their experiences and thoughts. As Magennis acknowledges, these women were primarily straight, cisgender, white, and able-bodied people who often felt alienated due to their choice.
Individuals and society routinely question and scrutinise their decision not to have children. In our society, motherhood is conventionally linked to good womanhood, which leads to prejudiced perceptions of childfree women. These women are often presumed to be egocentric, immature, unreliable, critical of mothers, and indifferent to common welfare.
Magennis challenges the ubiquitous societal narratives that glorify mothers as moral role models and depict childfree women as socially irresponsible. This bias is evident in political circles, where citing parental status supposedly attests to a caring and compassionate leadership style. Such rhetoric insinuates that those who lack such experience are indifferent to societal interests, despite their engagements with the world and desires for equality.
Magennis identifies and acknowledges the significant societal and cultural coercion for women to become mothers. He observes that if motherhood were a natural and inevitable part of femininity, it wouldn’t necessitate such forceful persuasion from every corner of life.
Magennis’s goal is not to widen the divide or only address the challenges childfree women face. Reflecting sentiments echoed by trans theorist Jack Halberstam in his book The Queer Art Of Failure, Magennis spotlights the societal potentials of childfree living. She positions childfree women as vital societal contributors, although she could benefit from incorporating more queer perspectives on community development.
The choice of women to remain childfree is not solely rooted in the perceived benefits of such a lifestyle; it also entails a critical examination and rejection of the drawbacks associated with motherhood.
In her endeavour to challenge the ideology of exceptionalism, she notes that society expects women without children to exhibit extraordinary ambition and success to counterbalance their childlessness. The recognition of the right of women to lead simple, modest lives sans children deviates refreshingly from the self-centred, neoliberal, woman-power narrative typically associated with them.
This encouraging, community-oriented outlook serves to inspire, although it occasionally overlooks more nuanced scrutiny in the process. As Magennis discerns, “a woman’s likeability is constricted, more so if she remains childless”. Sometimes the book appears to be ensnared by this desire for appeal, striving to depict women without children as benign as possible within the societal context.
For a work that addresses the lives of women devoid of children, it barely mentions abortion, hinting at a conscious lean towards propriety. The selection of interview quotations by Magennis can imply her participants’ saintly introspection. Discussing the potential societal rift between mothers and women without children, her respondents consistently display endless compassion and tolerance. There isn’t a hint of justifiable ennui or irritation at friendships which undergo drastic alterations following the advent of offspring.
Neither do the interviewees dwell on what they perceive to be the negative (or, in gentler terms, “challenging”) aspects of parenting, aspects that even most mothers would acknowledge: economic tension; augmented domestic work; reduced personal time; recorded dips in career progression and opportunities; feeling over-burdened and stressed; the consequences of children on romantic and sexual lives; and the seemingly infinite self-sacrifices.
Childfree by choice: Women who opt not to bear offspring
This evasion seems devised for politeness rather than realism. Women who choose to remain childless base their decision not only on the positives of a childfree existence but also on the negatives of motherhood, which they reject. By eschewing any negative views on motherhood, Harpy misses the revolutionary act of childless women being as sharp-sighted, opinionated, occasionally disapproving, and essentially human as everyone else.
Nicole Louie’s book “Others Like Me” is an Irish-based Brazilian writer’s exploration of the emotions and experiences of childfree women. Unlike Magennis, who builds on the themes and ideas raised by her anonymous interviewees, Louie conducts 14 extensive, uninterrupted interviews, weaving them throughout her own personal narrative.
As the author journeys all the way from Brazil to Sweden to Ireland, she shares her relationships with her mother and several love interests, wrestling with the guilt of leading a life without children and the fear that her decision might keep her from experiencing unconditional love.
The interviewees are diverse, hailing from the US, Norway, Britain, Thailand, Ghana, Zimbabwe, Peru, and Turkey, each recounting their unique experiences, cultural backgrounds, and personal reflections. They talk openly about how they perceive motherhood and express frustration about the mothers within their social circles.
A Norwegian interviewee, Cecilie, candidly speaks about her dwindling interest in her friends’ parenting stories following the advent of their children, all the while keeping her hopes alive that they might revert to being engaging once again. She quirks, “It’s similar to working out – like a muscle that needs to be exercised”.
Louie’s book presents a repository of interviews carrying a message of substance yet are easy to absorb. They delve into Nicole Louie’s personal struggles with issues of gender and sacrifice.
The interviews also delve into the manifold realities of childfree women, like Cecilie who skilfully merges her irritation and boredom with warmth and a wit, while remaining truly committed to preserving her friendships. Louie’s interviews touch points like the feelings of women with disabilities about childbirth, the fear-induced perception of motherhood by a woman who grew up in a war-torn area, and a Peruvian woman’s emotional recounting of the challenges faced while getting her tubes tied in a country where over 285,000 women were involuntarily sterilised.
Louie’s narrative profoundly explores themes of gender and sacrifice. She observes the selfless acts her mother and grandmother undertake for their offspring and she herself feels burdened by the obligations she has to her younger sibling. She also has difficulty requesting her male partners to forgo parenthood for her sake.
Her recollections of her early years are richly vibrant and detailed, yet the parts featuring extensive dialogues with past lovers can come across as devoid of energy and loaded with explanations. These sections offer minimal understanding of who Louie and her love interests are as individuals, beyond their discussions on procreation. This might hint at the emotional restraint present in these conversations, as the scenes involving Louie’s mum expressing her doubts about motherhood and one featuring Louie and a friend who vanishes post-childbirth, are poignant, evocative and subtly enlightening.
The narrative’s initial two parts could also appear lacking in vitality due to the scarcity of the physical body, something that is rectified in its concluding segment. Within this part, Louie narrates her encounters with a few incapacitating health concerns, even leading to a week-long hospital admission where the cause of her ailment remains undetermined. However, male medical practitioners are swift to downplay her suffering and question her choices.
The act of disregarding women’s pain by medical establishments is a well-documented reality, as examined recently in The Retrievals podcast. However, for Louie, it is not about intellectual analysis of this sexist bias – it’s about living it. Her descriptions of physical discomfort, sensorially overwhelming hospital visits and exasperating exchanges with doctors elevate her writing to a new level of urgency, animation and physicality. The neat and controlled dialogues in her prose metamorphose into a lively expression, bringing Louie’s pent-up emotions to the forefront unabashedly.
“Sonya Huber, a writer, highlights in her book ‘In Pain: Woman Takes Your Keys,’ the alterations of her voice when chronically tormented by pain. It renders her usually eloquent and analytical voice into a more direct and unabashed one. “The woman in pain speaks in a different manner,” as per Huber’s explanation. “In my ordinary writing or day-to-day life, I lack the sort of messianic assurance she possesses…The woman in pain is carefree. She has urgent information to share, and has to do it before exhaustion takes over. She is well-informed.”
In a narration of her health complications, Louie explores her personal Pain Woman, both mentally and physically, thereby enhancing her writing. The Woman without Children is also well-informed. She speaks- in 14 different voices, perhaps even 55 distinct voices. Women without children have vital matters to share with you, and these books make you inclined to pay attention.
Additional books to contemplate:
“On the eve of the #MeToo movement, Amanda Montei, an American writer, became a mother and expressed her thoughts about consent in terms of motherhood and sex in her book ‘Touched Out: Motherhood, Misogyny, Consent, and Control’ (Published by Beacon Press, 2023). She delves into the pressure and sense of betrayal women feel when coerced into experiences they don’t fully comprehend and can make them feel exploited and isolated. Her views on this subject are robust, well-researched, and thought-provoking.
Ruby Warrington, a journalist in her book ‘Women Without Kids: The Revolutionary Rise of an Unsung Sisterhood’ (Published by Orion Spring, 2023) portrays the choice of not having children as a daring act filled with possibility and innovation. It introduces new lifestyle alternatives. Addressing topics like environmentalism, intergenerational healing, designating a new feminine legacy, and systemic and cultural support infrastructures for mothers and childfree women, respectively, Warrington discusses avenues to improve.
‘Motherhood’ by Sheila Heti (Harvill Secker, 2018)”
Heti’s autobiographical fiction book portrays her protagonist grappling with the challenging decision of whether to bear children or not. As she endeavours to find clear direction through her friends and relations, she discovers only ambiguity. This prompts her to delve into the realms of mysticism and philosophy, engaging in extensive discourses with the I Ching in the hope of finding more enlightenment. Heti’s work is marked by its wittiness and innovation, tackling artistic, intellectual and spiritual dilemmas, and succeeds in making uncertainty thrilling.