Dear Roe,
As a 36-year-old man, I have been in a serious relationship with my 32-year-old girlfriend for almost three years. We contemplate about our future, however, her past issues make me hesitant about making a long-term commitment. I deeply love her, despite her dealings with trust issues, which arose from infidelity in a past relationship. I always emphasize respecting our relationship and I am proud to say that I have never been and will never be unfaithful.
Still, there are moments even after three years that I am being doubted and faced with unwarranted fits of rage over trivial matters. If I merely bring up a female coworker’s name, she would interrogate me exhaustively. One instance was when I mentioned a married colleague, who is in her sixties, led her to unexpectedly show up at my job, claiming to take me out for lunch while clearly cross-checking my actions. If she notices a female friend spending too much time interacting with me – even in a group gathering with her presence – an unfounded accusation of infidelity follows, as well as a suggestion that I may potentially cheat or that she is no longer my type. With an attempt to avoid any further issues, I’ve started to avoid mentioning women totally, even in harmless conversational contexts. As a result, my longstanding friendships are deteriorating gradually, because of her dislike towards me engaging with my female friends independently, as well as her discomfort towards the women within our bigger friend circle.
Although I continuously assure her of my love and aim to display affection, and despite fulfilling her demands such as sharing my phone passcode and always keeping her updated, she persists in her suspicion even after all these years. I do love her dearly but this situation is something I cannot endure. I am seeking ways to gain her trust but I am unable to discern an effective one.
To be honest, the deep-rooted issue does not lie in your inability to be trusted. The real problem is that she lacks the capacity to trust. This irony of her being unable to trust, while herself being an unreliable partner, is indeed tragic.
It’s impractical to rely on her for any form of self-control or observance of personal limits. Entrusting her with a suitable response to sharing aspects of your life is not prudent. Nor is it wise to expect her to support your friendships or treat you with the dignity you deserve. Her reliability as a secure partner is questionable. You cannot trust her to live in the present without allowing her past to overshadow you. It’s uncertain whether she will ever manage to move forward as an individual, given her entrenchment in past hurt as a woman who has been betrayed, unable to accept love.
Some individuals simply lack the capability to absorb love, respect and trust. They are unable to retain, accommodate, or nurture it within themselves. Even if you shower them with affection, dedication, and dependability, it vanishes, leaving them back where they started. In your girlfriend’s case, due to previous wrongs, she begins at a deficit, filled with distrust and unable to move away from it.
Your significant other is not just shirking her duty to mend herself; she doesn’t even show an inclination towards healing.
I truly empathise with her. Betrayal and infidelity often have serious, underestimated effects on individuals, eating away at their self-esteem and their ability to trust others and even themselves. The breach of trust by someone who is meant to make you feel secure and cherished can profoundly damage your perspective of life. But ultimately, it’s essential to decide to believe in others once again. There has to be a conscious choice to favour love over doubt. A decision to let the past remain in the past, instead of allowing it to impact every future relationship, needs to be made.
Individuals who have experienced betrayal often deserve a certain amount of understanding. It is a part of human nature and often beneficial for one to express their vulnerabilities to a significant other and ask for additional consideration to these areas. It is also common to voice past hurts and seek assistance in overcoming protective measures that have been built around these pain points. However, reaching out for assistance should not equate to relying entirely on the other person for healing, while refusing to contribute to their own recovery process. The person bearing the wounds should recognise their own healing needs, have a desire to recover, take ownership of their healing, and actively engage in the process.
The issue with your relationship is that your girlfriend seems to avoid addressing her healing, to the point that it seems she does not want to get better. Rather than seeking to heal her emotional wounds and insecurities, she allows these feelings to grow and feeds into them. She permits these feelings to dictate her actions and tries to manipulate you in an attempt to find comfort, but this strategy is unlikely to be successful as the root of the problem is not being addressed.
Her control over you is not just unacceptable, but it crosses the boundary into abuse. It is essential to understand this. Her actions towards you are abusive. She shouts at you, deliberately separates you from crucial relationships, monitors your personal devices and workspace, penalises you for everyday interactions, and instils in you feelings of anxiety, guilt, and constant anticipation of her next tantrum. If a female friend recounted to you that her male partner was acting in this way, how would you react? Your girlfriend has suffered past pain, as have many people. However, not everyone uses their past hurts to justify abusive behaviour towards others. Your girlfriend did not choose to be cheated on, but she is deciding how to act now. She opts to neglect her healing process and chooses instead to inflict pain on you. She alone can decide to stop this behaviour, and if she doesn’t, you must contemplate your options, which may include departing from the relationship.
If you find yourself inclined to offer your girlfriend a second shot, you should initiate a discussion with her. However, this discussion should not focus on you, your behaviours, or her difficulties in trusting you. Rather, the dialogue needs to be centred around explaining the toll her actions have had on you, addressing her role as a partner who has become abusive and unreliable, and exploring her plans to rectify her emotional state and behaviours. She has dodged responsibility for almost three years; she now either steps up and shoulders it, or risks losing you, with no other alternatives available. She needs to seek professional help and immediately commence a journey towards emotional stability and cessation of her abusive actions. A therapist specialising in couples might assist both of you in this process and aid in rebuilding trust – a trust founded on her, if she proves herself worthy of it.
I understand that you have deep affection for this woman. However, mere affection is insufficient. What you need is a relationship underscored by safety, respect, and mutual commitment to care for and improve one another. You alone cannot sculpt such a relationship – your girlfriend must desire and contribute to it as well, something she has so far avoided. If she’s prepared to undertake a sudden and significant transformation, then the relationship might have a chance. However, you must guard against the pitfall of hoping to change someone who has shown no inclination towards self-improvement, against harbouring hopes of bonding with someone who is hell bent on sabotaging it from within, and against blaming yourself for being targeted by an abuser.
You’ve hit the nail on the head – your present situation is unbearable. And you don’t warrant such treatment. Prioritise your well-being.