The moment a pregnancy is confirmed, often the first curiosity that enters people’s mind is the baby’s gender. This inevitably sparks a flurry of speculation surrounding the imminent arrival’s ‘who’; will it be a girl or a boy? For several people, this query actually extends beyond mere intrigue. Instead, it manifests into a powerful urge for their offspring to be of a certain gender. This can extend to such an extent where not realizing their gender expectations can lead to disappointment.
However, voicing this disappointment publicly often remains a daunting task and is usually found unpalatable. This is because the disappointment in the child’s gender is often perceived as a form of bias and a matter of parental taboo; an area that is often swamped with fear of judgement and shame.
As an illustration, take Simone’s case. Already a mother to three boys, she had no preferences for her first two pregnancies. Yet, after the birth of her second son, she found herself prey to societal suggestions; with people nudging her for a daughter. The suggestions began to surface less than “48 hours” post her son’s birth.
Having never discovered her baby’s gender during her previous pregnancies, Simone decided to learn it during her third. However, she wished to keep it under wraps and hence had the information written in an envelope. A family member planned to host a gender reveal party, yet it never happened due to an alleged ‘lost envelope.’ Simone, however, suspected her relative had discovered she was having another boy and hence called off the party.
Simone admits she hoped for a girl this time, having found raising two boys a challenge. She would often browse baby girl outfits and items, storing their screenshots with the dream of ordering them for her unborn baby girl. However, Simone’s third son was born after a difficult delivery.
She still becomes emotional as she recalls her disappointment at learning her newborn was another son. It is a feeling she is deeply ashamed about, as it stems from the cultural bias regarding gender preference that is silently prevalent.
Persistent remarks from relatives, characterising boys as “crazy” or expressing disappointment about Simone’s inability to give birth to a girl, exacerbate the situation, she reveals. Instead of finding these comments amusing, they now vex her. Simone consistently clarifies that she does not have control over her family makeup, yet the comments persist, hinting that if she had given birth to girls, life would have been simpler.
Happily, she did not face any issues bonding with her third son. However, occasionally, especially on tough days, she ponders what the experience of raising a daughter would have been like. The possibility of having any more children is ruled out, as her partner has undergone a vasectomy.
Breda, the mother of four, first had a son. When she was anticipating her second child with a different partner, she wished not to have a daughter. She felt immense pressure, especially from her partner’s family, desiring the continuation of their family name. A significant part of this pressure was because Breda herself has sisters. She was well aware of how it’s like to live with girls and questioned her ability to handle it. Breda preferred the idea of raising boys, confident that despite causing havoc at home, they could be let outside to play.
She expressed to her partner her desire for sons only. Choosing not to discover their baby’s gender during her pregnancy, she was shell-shocked when a daughter was born. Nevertheless, her husband was ecstatic about their baby girl. Breda had expressed remorse about having a daughter, but everyone brushed aside her concern, assuming she was just overreacting as she already had a son.
However, Breda confessed she was genuinely disappointed. It took her a few days to establish a connection with her daughter, and soon after, she fell completely in love with her. As Breda was expecting her next child, the insistence from her partner’s family to continue their legacy resurfaced. This time, she decided to find out the baby’s sex beforehand and was thrilled to learn it was a boy. Her partner’s family reacted with jubilation, making Breda realise their lack of excitement when her daughter was born.
Michelle is a mother of three lovely girls. For her first two pregnancies, she didn’t wish to know the gender beforehand. Although she was thrilled with her two daughters, her husband expressed his desire for a son. He was confident that they could increase their chances of having a son despite Michelle explaining there was no sure way of controlling the baby’s gender. Regardless, they turned to numerous methods found online in an attempt to conceive a boy.
When Michelle became pregnant for the third time, her husband was overly optimistic about having a son which led to eccentric conversations in their home. In the end, Michelle couldn’t handle these assertions anymore and decided to find out the baby’s gender at a clinic. At her 20-week appointment, they found out that they were expecting their third daughter. The car journey back home was filled with an awkward silence.
Michelle realised her husband’s disappointment, attributing it to the hope of a male child who could continue his last name and engage in sports like him. Nonetheless, she acknowledged his failure to appreciate how equally involved girls can also participate in sports.
As time passed, she was incessantly questioned whether she would try again for a boy. Additionally, she often faced comments concerning the difficulties she would face once her daughters reached adolescence, simply because they are girls.
On the other hand, Carla wasn’t concerned about the gender of her first child. Upon the birth of her son, she was overjoyed and loved him dearly. For her second pregnancy, she decided to uncover the gender beforehand for practical reasons like room sharing and reusing baby clothes, and also to share the news with her son.
Carla had always envisioned having two children, depending on fate, of course. When she discovered she was carrying another boy, she was struck by the reality that she would never hold a little girl in her arms. She was baffled by her own reaction, considering she wasn’t particularly feminine or the type who thought of her mother as her best companion. Still, she felt an unanticipated pang of melancholy.
Distressed, she found herself in the cafe at the Coombe, tears streaming down her face. The realisation that her tears could be mistaken for tragic news prompted her to pull herself together. She was always overjoyed with her two little chaps, but the thought of the femininity and tranquillity she had observed in little girls made her momentarily yearn for something different. But she mused, it might just be a difference in personality.
Her husband had toyed with the idea of having a little girl, but when they found out they were expecting another boy, it didn’t dishearten him. He sympathised with Carla and realised her longing might be fleeting.
Some years down the line, the couple made a decision to have another baby, by thus time Carla had grown accustomed to boys and had comfortably set aside her lingering wishes for a girl. Expecting another boy, she was taken by surprise to discover she was pregnant with a girl and worried how to handle her.
While her husband hadn’t cared much for the sex of their baby, Carla reveals that he ended up being more thrilled at the prospect of a daughter than her. Soon they found out their daughter was as mischievous and boisterous as her older siblings.
Dr Colman Noctor, a child and adolescent psychotherapist, sheds light on the reality of ‘gender disappointment’ among parents. He suggests that parents often envisage the future of their children and family; a failure for these preconceived ideas to manifest can create feelings of loss. A sense of shame may also arise in parents, particularly if the child is healthy, given the fact that some people are unable to have children or would do anything for their child to be healthy. The feeling is more pronounced in families homogenous in kid’s gender; for instance, a parent with three sons may intensely desire a daughter.
However, Dr Noctor argues that people should not harbour guilt over such feelings. Guilt serves no purpose, he says. It’s natural to feel a disappointment when certain expectations are not fulfilled. He emphasises that such disappointment is not directed towards the child and shouldn’t be mistaken as a personal attack on their gender. It’s crucial that the child isn’t made to feel responsible for not conforming to the parents’ gender expectations.
Dr Noctor suggests embracing feelings of disappointment, before appreciating the reality – that hopefully, you have a healthy and happy child. Reminding oneself of this reality and making the most of it is vital, he concludes.