Dear Roe,
I have recently extricated myself from a relationship that I now understand had abusive elements. In the past, my significant other was always somewhat commanding, but as time passed, his behaviour escalated into jealousy, became more oppressive, and increasingly controlling. He was incessantly judgmental and verbally violent towards me. I consider myself fortunate to have managed to leave.
However, my quandary is whether it would aid my recovery to acquaint myself with more details about my ex-partner’s history. I am beginning to question the veracity of his accounts about the termination of his previous relationships, and his explanations regarding his estranged family. At the time, I took his word as truth, as there was no grounding for disbelief, nor did I conceive that he might be so delusional as to perceive himself as persecuted. However, I now wonder if he might have previously faced restrictive or protective orders. In the twilight of our relationship, there was a palpable paranoia surrounding the idea of me lodging formal complaints against him. Should I attempt to uncover the truth? Would confirmation of his prior misconduct towards women provide me with any solace?
As an avid follower of this column, it would not strike you as miraculous to hear me endorse the assistance of a effective therapist, particularly one experienced in handling trauma. Shouldering the aftermath of an abusive relationship can be incredibly daunting, even if you’ve managed to break away. Unfortunately, it’s not the end, as the abuse’s aftermath can subtly persist over time. It demands substantial emotional adjustment as you reconstruct the equation of the relationship, unravelling many tumultuous feelings of distress, sorrow, wrath, and potentially misdirected sensations of embarrassment and culpability.
Experiencing any sort of abusive relationship can severely impair your self-worth, your ability to trust yourself and dent your confidence in navigating life. It is paramount that you seek support to help process and understand your ordeal, focus on restoring your self-esteem and self-trust. Moreover, it’s crucial to build boundaries to assure your safety and to feel comfortable building connections with others in the future.
Engaging in a productive conversation with a proficient therapist can aid you shed light on your inclination to seek more details about your former partner. I wholly empathise with such curiosity, having experienced it myself. This longing for clarity, for reasons, and the tendency to ponder if a behavioural pattern could elucidate why they treated you as they did, perfectly makes sense. This quest for comprehension and a semblance of power following a situation in which you’ve been stripped of control, stability, authority and safety, is entirely expected. However, I feel that directing this curiosity towards investigation into your ex’s history may only serve to bind your emotions to him further and make your recovery hinge on him.
At present society, I see this desire for knowledge and control dominating. It’s natural – as comprehension of the distinct nature of abuse and trauma evolves, more individuals are recognising their experiences and undertaking efforts to comprehend and safeguard themselves. Occasionally, this desire morphs into an obsession for external affirmation that one’s experience was indeed abusive, thereby superseding the internal affirmation and healing essential for moving forward. This is often manifested in the trend of diagnosing others, amplifying the usage of terms like “narcissist” or casually ascribing psychiatric diagnoses to individuals.
I understand this inclination, especially if identifying a sequence of abusive behaviour or conduct enables us to digest what transpired. Labeling someone as a “narcissist” might bolster our belief that their treatment of us was inappropriate. However, will a commonly misused term serve as an easy route, emphasising pathological traits of an individual when we should be realising that regardless of the reason behind the other person’s behaviour, be it a pattern, a personality disorder, perpetuating an abusive cycle or simply a conscious decision they made, we were never to blame for the abuse?
I recognise your curiosity to determine whether your previous partner has harmed others. Such a discovery might seem like a validation that you weren’t to blame for the ill-treatment you received. However, let’s be clear, you are not at fault for the abuse, irrespective of his actions towards others. It is crucial to internalise this truth, instead of focusing your attention on your former partner. Despite his significant impact on your life, he doesn’t dictate your worth, identity, value or future. Giving him more importance than he deserves is not beneficial.
Let’s consider the potential outcomes of your search. Firstly, you may find that he was abusive to others, reaffirming his capacity for abusive behaviour, which is something you already know from your own experiences. Secondly, you might learn that you’re his only victim, which in no way belittles your experience or shifts blame onto you. Lastly, you may uncover no new information, leaving you with the same facts you have now – that you were abused and did not deserve it.
The last two results could potentially leave you with continued uncertainty and self-directed blame for his actions, as you struggle to understand why he mistreated you. These feelings of guilt and shame could persist if you haven’t fully accepted that you weren’t to blame for his actions. The first option, realising that he has been abusive to others, might provide temporary comfort as you identify him as a habitual abuser. Yet, this doesn’t reduce the need for healing and self-restoration, and to rebuild your self-esteem and trust. Moreover, seeking additional answers could prolong your confusion and maintain an unhealthy bond with the trauma he inflicted, which is a risky prospect.
Shift your focus inwards now. Consult a skilled counsellor, and when you feel prepared, dedicate time to reading literature on abusive relationships, such as Lundy Bancroft’s work Why Does He Do That? This will help you comprehend the dynamics of abuse and acknowledge that others have experienced similar situations. This knowledge can be an asset in your quest for understanding and fraternity without the need to maintain contact with him. Should you uncover additional details about your ex-partner down the line, these will merely substantiate your existing perceptions, rather than effect your recovery, which should not be contingent on such information.
During your counselling sessions, hone in not just on how his actions influenced you, but also on strategies to bolster your self-respect, self-belief, and personal boundaries. As your healing progresses – and it certainly will – you will find yourself equipped to navigate new bonds and relationships with the assurance that you won’t tolerate abusive behaviour again. You will also have the confidence to not only distance yourself from mistreatment, but also trust in your worthiness of love and gentleness, and accept it when presented to you.
Even though you endured a grim experience, you were always deserving of better. There was never any doubt about this – hence, this man does not possess your solutions. He is a chapter from your history, allow him to remain there. You are already equipped with the necessary understanding, and the key to your own solution. Keep your emphasis on your own growth and prospects. There lies plenty of splendour in your future, waiting for you.