When undergoing medical procedures or following a health diagnosis, it’s crucial to maintain open communication with your child, advises Dr Claire Crowe, a paediatric psychologist and member of the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. Throughout her research, she advises honesty with children, which has been recommended since the 1980s.
According to Dr Crowe, children are excellent at recognising altered moods and picking up on changes, including those in the household environment, by interpreting body language. Children are often more aware than their parents realize, even of discussions parents believe are hidden from them.
It is a common practice for parents to withhold health information until a definite diagnosis is received, but this could potentially delay conversations substantially. Dr Crowe suggests beginning discussions early, even if it’s only sharing that you’re feeling unwell and will be visiting the doctor. This early disclosure fosters trust, implying faith and confidence in the child’s ability to grasp complex issues.
Parents are encouraged to invite their child to ask questions to initiate dialogues, like inquiring if they have any thoughts on their numerous doctor’s appointments. Planning your explanations is recommended, but honesty should be prioritized.
Children can ask challenging questions, including the possibility of death. It isn’t deemed taboo for them. If the parent’s survival isn’t guaranteed, Dr Crowe emphasises the importance of transparency and saying “I don’t know”. It’s alright to express the combined efforts of both the parents and doctors towards recovery. Feel free to also talk about how the situation makes you feel emotionally.
Never hold back expressing your emotional state – be it melancholy or anxiety. It’s a parent’s job to decipher the world for their young ones. We are jointly creating narratives with them, sharing not just the tale but also the emotional traces that accompany it. This is crucial to enable the child to express, ‘I’m frightened and perturbed’ too.
It’s valuable to acknowledge, ‘I acknowledge your fear. I’m fearful as well; this is not a pleasant situation,’ and then make room for further queries,” Crowe suggests.
What should you do if they retreat?
If your child refrains from discussing it, assure them that you are always ready to listen.
Introduce the subject at a different time. They may be more open to discussion at bedtime, Crowe explains.
“Bedtime is when children process the day’s occurrences. Their defensive walls are slightly lowered. You could frame it like, ‘I’m just curious about how your day went. I visited the doctor today. Do you fancy a chat about it?’”
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Younger children may fret that they are to blame for the sickness. “They may assume, ‘It’s my fault. I misbehaved’. They can jump to significant conclusions based on their interpretation,” Crowe points out.
“Confide in them that it’s not their fault. Mummy fell ill. And clarify that it’s something we cannot govern,” she recommends.
“For adolescents, the crucial aspect of comfort is camaraderie and social support,” Crowe highlights. Directing them to a support group from the Irish Cancer Society can reassure them that they are not alone.
Should I prime them for it?
If the medical treatment is going to be strenuous, or if it will result in hair loss, for instance, prepare the children for it, Crowe advises.
“Inform them, ‘I’m going to go bald and then I’m going to choose a wig. What shade do you reckon I should opt for? Would you like to make the selection with me?’” Crowe suggests.
“You could mention, ‘I will feel unwell afterwards, but these procedures aid my recovery. What we can do on those days is enjoy a film day together’. Assure them that they will stay connected with you daily, but this is what your energy levels will allow.”