“Trust and love are ingrained in intimacy, promoting vulnerability and contentment across diverse intimate interactions, be it physical, intellectual, emotional, artistic, scientific, attractive, spiritual, or societal. However, the entwinement of sexual engagement in a romantic setting adds another layer of complexity, becoming not only essential but also potentially demanding. Despite the possibility of relationships surviving devoid of sexual interaction, there’s an irrefutable relationship between sexual and emotional connection, posited by Clinical Health Psychologist and Certified Sex Therapist Dr Jordan Rullo. This intricate blend of emotional and sexual intimacy is being further complicated as we edge on a “dramatic transformation” of our sexual behaviors, as predicted by futures-anthropologist Roanne van Voorst.
Regardless, intimacy remains rooted in the desire for a connection. It may be self-focused or towards others, but the desire for connection persists regardless of its potential mutation.
Studies indicate that the average adult engages in sex on a weekly basis, with general agreement that this regularity coincides with relationship gratification. As Rullo articulates, examples of ‘connection bids’ encompass sexual intimacy, sex, and physical affection. Connection bids are gestures, whether verbal or non-verbal, made to facilitate a positive rapport with your partner. The acceptance of these bids by your partner leads to an enhanced emotional involvement and fortified trust within your relationship.
Intimacy serves as a bridge for communication and connection, enabling individuals to express their identity completely within their relationship. This is facilitated by compassion, comprehension, and diminished anxiety. Considering the health benefits like mood improvement and enhanced well-being through the release of oxytocin, dopamine and endorphins, not to forget the bonus of burning some calories – there’s little to object to sexual intimacy.
Controversies have often clouded sex and intimacy within relationships and the exploration or maintenance of consistent sexual activity is one of the many conflicts couples face.”
Rullo opines that preserving a consistent sex life can be a challenge in enduring relationships, especially once the initial infatuation subsides. With the freshness of a romantic liaison fading and a significant increase of responsibilities, stress levels surge, energy drops and privacy may be compromised, particularly if there are kids in the mix.
Often, sex may seem like an additional job in your daily tasks or one may find there’s just not sufficient hours in the day, and giving up valuable sleep appears to be the only way to make room for it. If sex loses its exciting allure and begins to feel more like an obligation, it becomes hard to make it a priority.
Is this evident transformation in sexual closeness uniting people or pushing them apart due to advancements in technology and evolving desires? While some individuals believe in setting up and organising intimacy to develop a routine and practice, others are venturing, discovering and questioning the standards of intimacy. The way we engage with love, intimacy, sexual behaviours, and the relationships these bonds form, are going through a shift, says van Voorst, the Dutch Future Society’s president and author of Six in a Bed (Polity, 2024).
Van Voorst suggests, these modifications in how humanity experiences love would both unite and disconnect people. The outcome would heavily rely on the trend and novel opportunities we adopt in our daily lives. She pinpoints several emerging changes we’re witnessing and are predicted to perpetuate, such as synthetic companionship, love-inducing medicines, a rekindled fascination for polyamory, purchasing human company, virtual dating, and the growth of sologamists, people who are more content with no long-term companion.
She makes an observation, in certain cases like these, a divide has been created among individuals. For example, studies show that online dating, though beneficial for some to form intimate relationships, can make it tough to grow an emotional bond with someone on a first date. The vast choice of partners accessible on your personal device during a date can lead to people being overly nitpicky with their date and restless, thereby interrupting the formation of a bond.
Van Voorst discovered, while interacting with sex dolls and artificial intelligence, she became slowly yet noticeably less empathetic and more self-focused.
In her study and fieldwork, van Voorst established online interactions, enlisted the services of a friend-for-hire, explored genetic pairing dating, invested in erotic massage services, engaged in flirtatious behaviour with AI, and even ventured into a sex doll brothel in Amsterdam. Interacting with sex dolls and AI led her to the realisation that she was slowly becoming less accommodating and increasingly egocentric, which ultimately impacted her personal relationships.
“Such technologies have the potential to destabilise personal connections and pose a threat to democracy,” argues van Voorst. “These systems don’t compel us to build patience or nurture skills like dealing with disappointment or negotiation – abilities frequently honed through interactions with romantic interests, close friends, workmates or neighbours.”
Despite this, van Voorst also found positive patterns in the contemporary evolutions of love and sex during her explorations with polyamorists, solo gamists, sex professionals, pansexuals, asexuals, heterosexuals and homosexuals. She discloses that the exploration of gender identities is becoming more common, with people recognizing that sexuality is not merely limited to heterosexuality or homosexuality, but is rather a spectrum. A usually man-attracted person may, for instance, find themselves developing a strong attraction to a woman.
In addition to personal identification, society’s attitude towards singleness is changing, and more individuals are feeling emboldened to select their preferred type of intimacy. Van Voorst provides an example of friends who, despite not sharing romantic or sexual feelings, buy properties together and are responsible for each other’s well-being. This friendship fosters a lasting love between them. She acknowledges that the exploration of intimacy is unique, such as those who love multiple partners simultaneously, stating that, “While polyamory comes with its own challenges, its concept is gaining traction and prompting individuals in exclusive relationships to be more candid with their partners.”
Despite the tech industry’s assertions, van Voorst does not predict sex dolls will entirely replace sex workers. However, she believes other trends and technological changes have a higher likelihood of becoming mainstream in the near part of the future.
Within the artificial environments where I spent some time conducting research, there are opportunities for individuals to practise forming romantic and intimate bonds,” she states. “There are those who discover a sense of ease in firstly uncovering and understanding their own intimate desires alone, before sharing these experiences with a real-life partner. Recently, there has been a shift towards utilising innovatively designed dating apps. These include algorithms that streamline our options to prevent overwhelm, and apps that promote spontaneous video interactions.
“In a perfect world, our use of technology would serve to augment both our interpersonal connections and our own enjoyment. However, for that to be the case, it is vital that we maintain a discerning perspective of all the prospective options we encounter. Not all possible avenues necessarily lead to deeper intimacy or increased sexual satisfaction, and even less often to genuine contentment.”
On the topic of relationships:
– Subtle forms of discrimination
– Emotional manipulation
– Balancing of control
– Provision of support
– Evaluating boundaries
– Differing cognitive processes