Neurodivergent children often have a challenging time growing up in a society that fails to recognise their unique traits and accommodate their requirements. Regrettably, these children regularly encounter negative emotions during their interactions with others, as they are made to feel judged or outcasted. This feeling of longing for inclusion is especially prevalent during their adolescence.
Take, for instance, a child with ADHD who is prone to spontaneity or stealing the limelight in school, they can end up being disregarded by their classmates and educators. Autistic children who feel tense around big groups may be excluded from developing friendly relations. A youngster who undergoes an emotional outburst due to sensory overload in shopping centres may be spurned by peers who can’t comprehend their emotional reaction.
Some of these children attempt to disguise their unique traits, hoping to blend in but, in reality, this only escalates their stress levels. A child might modify their mode of speech or attire, to gel better with their peers or force themselves to develop a liking for a particular sport or activity to foster a sense of belonging. Concealing their inherent interests and styles of communication can amplify the stress and potentially harm their self-perception.
In addition, well-intentioned parents could inadvertently contribute to their child’s stress by having unrealistic expectations of behaviours that are actually beyond the child’s control capabilities. For instance, you might misconstrue your dyspraxic child’s unwillingness to dress themselves due to their lack of physical skill as laziness. Or perhaps, you might confront your son about his homework, not realising his struggle with initiating tasks due to a lack of executive function skills, which results in severe frustration. Worse, your daughter might be wrongly labelled a “hypochondriac” and be forced to resume school, when in fact, she’s suffering from an autistic burnout and chronic fatigue.
Sadly, numerous neurodivergent children grow up harbouring the negative judgements they’ve faced, leading them to believe that there’s something inherently “wrong” with them. This self-deprecating notion contributes to low self-worth and poor mental health.
Therefore, the key is to transform into a supportive parent.
As a parent, the way you approach, understand and accept your child plays a vital role in reducing any traumatic experiences and promoting their overall wellbeing and mental state. A key element of this is helping your child establish a positive sense of themselves. You may show your support by discussing their unique qualities and strengths in a positive manner, as well as teaching them to embrace their challenges with sympathy and comprehension.
For instance, you could provide context like “Your ADHD may make it challenging to decide on the best idea out of all the brilliant ones in your head” or explain “Your autism allows you to be particularly diligent when following routines, but can sometimes provoke stress when faced with unexpected changes”. Or, perhaps “Although being highly sensitive can at times be overwhelming, it simultaneously allows you to empathise deeply with people when they’re experiencing distress”.
Motivating your children to explore what they are passionate about can be extremely beneficial for their mental wellbeing. The feeling of enjoyment and the thrill of pursuing their passions can act as a calming salve against pressures, nervousness and periods of low mood. Neurodivergent children are often known for being highly passionate about specialised interests that offer them a sense of tranquillity, happiness and a retreat from the everyday stresses, while also providing a learning experience and long-term sense of purpose.
Your child may prefer engaging in less mainstream activities not typical in school, such as singing, drama, martial arts, arts and crafts, role play gaming, chess, equestrian activities, animal care, coding, citizen science, and gardening among others.
It’s important to notice, nurture and show an interest in your children’s passions.
The social aspect of their lives can often pose a challenge, especially for neurodivergent children. They can find it hard to make friends, particularly in peer groups where the need to conform socially is strong. The pressure to “fit in” often peaks between the ages of 10 and 14. Instead of trying to make them “fit in”, it’s more beneficial to help them find friends that understand and share similar interests. Children in such groups, including other neurodivergent kids, are more likely to accept differences among them.
At times, children build stronger relationships with elders, younger kids, or other members of the broader family circle and other adults. In practical terms, you as a parent can lend a hand by assisting your daughter in setting up individual play-dates with a girl different from her typical social circle. Or you might facilitate her interaction in the hobbies she is zealous about in environments where she is more likely to bond with likeminded people.
Lone activities could also be a platform to develop connections. Your son, for instance, who may have a penchant for anime and doodling characters, can engage in these activities for extended hours. You can share in this interest with him and encourage connections with others over the internet, or even take him to a dedicated anime event.
Establish a secure environment for your children
Tackling issues like anxiety, sensory turmoil, and academic challenges potentially makes the external world more distressing for a child. You, as a parent, could ease this stress by ensuring your home is a sanctuary without undue exigencies. When returning home, they understand it’s a space to be themselves, unwind and seek relief from external turmoil. They can immerse themselves in their distinct activities and secure rituals and recognise you’re there for support. The creation of this haven also comprises forming a close bond with your child. As delineated in Article 2, it’s essential to set aside regular play and bonding sessions, offering opportunities for shared enjoyment and relaxation periods.
With minor modifications, your child’s stress levels can be noticeably lowered whilst enhancing their overall wellbeing.
To illustrate, Sarah’s son, aged seven, has a sensory nook in his room including a petite tent filled with cushions of varied textures. Whenever he feels encumbered and is in need of a time-out, he retreats to this space. Occasionally, he allows Sarah to join him within the tent for a chat before he sleeps.
Sam identified burnout in his son due to school pressures. Consequently, he offered his son the opportunity to rest and take time away from school. He liaised with the school to limit daily schoolwork and arrange a tailored educational plan to cater to his son’s requirements.
When Sean enrolled his ten-year-old daughter into a drama and singing troupe it enhanced her life significantly. She relished in the limelight of stage performances and got along extremely well with the other young performers. Attending weekly became something she eagerly looked forward to and gradually cultivated into a long-standing passion.
Julie stood by her child’s choice to forgo the school disco in the face of considerable FOMO stress. She detested the prospect of dressing up, the amplified music, and the overwhelming social setting. Instead, they organised a board game evening at home with her cousin and aunt, which she thoroughly enjoyed.
Paul didn’t overreact when his son, aged eight, struggled to tie his shoelaces. He provided him with Velcro trainers to ease the burden. Throughout the summer, he patiently instructed him on how to do it – both their self-esteems received a significant boost when his son finally mastered it.
The scouts group’s structure really resonated with Alice’s girl. She flourished in interacting with children of various ages and having a defined role in her patrol. A young adult leader who shared her passion for mountain hiking particularly appealed to her.
For John, bedtime proved to be the ultimate opportunity to bond with his eight-year-old boy. His son particularly loved physical play (his favourite being tightly wrapped in the duvet) before they settled down to read a story, soothing him before sleep.
John Sharry, the clinical director of the Parents Plus Charity and an adjunct professor at the UCD School of Psychology, provides insight into parenting exceptional children in this series. He is offering an online course titled ‘Parenting neurodivergent children’, scheduled for the evenings of 16th, 23rd, and 30th April.
Keep an eye out for the fourth article in the series next week, focusing on how parents can guide their children while fostering their independence and self-identity. Visit solutiontalk.ie for more details.