Woody Allen’s film from 1977, Annie Hall, includes an iconic double-therapy scene where characters Annie, played by Diane Keaton, and Alvy Singer, Allen’s own role, receive counselling simultaneously. Fast forward almost fifty years, and this romantic comedy is frequently highlighted for its sincere and open depiction of affection and relationships, as well as the difference in understanding within couples when it comes to physical intimacy.
Singer’s male counsellor poses the question: “How frequently do you two make love?”.
Annie’s female therapist then queries: “Is sex a regular occurrence for you?”.
Singer replies: “Barely. It would be about three times a week”.
Annie: “All the time. I’d estimate around three times a week”.
The frequency of sex, or its absence in relationships, has consistently been a topic of intense debates among couples. What causes a sex life to diminish? Can they reawaken past excitement? Can a marriage devoid of sex be revitalised?
The internet is filled with spouses venting about their lack of sexual satisfaction in their marriages. People are sharing their experiences of a marriage that lacks intimacy or sexual relations.
Reddit, one of the leading social networking platforms, has an active forum dubbed a “support group for Redditors experiencing a serious dearth of sexual intimacy in their relationship”. This group, known as r/DeadBedroom, has gathered a huge following of 465,000 members and features daily expressions of regret over the lack of a sexual connection in their relationships. There are tales of relationships without sex lasting from months to years from various couples, with open and honest personal revelations made in the hopes of finding helpful advice.
A woman married for 19 years writes, “Our sex life vanished this year and I can’t muster up the strength to plead anymore.” She continues to narrate a weekend incident that led to her husband moving to a different room after a heated argument that followed her being turned down for sex.
A lot of women start doubting their physical attractiveness and can consequently start avoiding sex or experience a decreased sexual appetite, causing additional emotional distress and embarrassment.
In his fourth year of marriage, a husband shares: “My wife is simply phenomenal. She is staunchly supportive, lavishes love on me and is an exceptional mother to our child. However, we have not engaged in any sexual activity since our child was conceived 15 months ago. Where should I search for counsel?”
Undeniably, married life’s carnal affairs are marked with shades of grey, as noted by specialists who extend counselling to pairs grappling with dwindling passion particularly in matrimony. Kinship, money matters, and labour chores can play the villain, throwing off the libidinous harmony.
Dr Natasha Langan, a distinguished clinical psychologist based in Sligo, who primarily engages in digital psychotherapy and psychosexual therapy for women along with their partners, asserts that predicaments arising from intimacy stem from tangled complexities, such as post-childbirth physical alterations, stress, and day-to-day hurdles in life.
She elaborates, “From the couples and individuals I engage with, I glean stories about the chaos and tension that punctuate their lives and commitments, and how these elements deprive them of energy and motivation to engage in sexual activities, sparking difficulties in planning and scheduling moments of intimacy.”
She further adds, “There’s bound to be periods of stress in long-term relationships, with scenarios such as the postnatal phase, bringing up an infant or a teenager, and caring for ageing parents presenting unique challenges. Couples living far away from their kith and kin lack the supplementary aid of childcare, disabling them from enjoying moments of solitude, like a dinner out, due to practicality or financial constraints.”
Dr Langan continues to realise that when individuals or couples turn to her for guidance, they may discuss their perceived ‘issues,’ which could merely represent symptoms of deeper relationship problems, such as constant disagreements, built-up tensions, or overlooked mental health conditions.
From her experience with women, she frequently hears about experiences such as childbirth trauma, postnatal challenges, and difficulties in dealing with changes in body image during pregnancy. This often results in problems like discomfort during intercourse, loss of self-confidence, and avoidance of sex, leading to reduced desire, increased distress, and feelings of shame.
David Kavanagh, a marital counsellor at Marriagetherapy.ie located in Templeogue, Dublin, counters that men too grapple with feelings of embarrassment and body image complications.
“There’s a modern societal presumption that males should conform to certain aesthetic standards that simply weren’t present three decades ago,” he articulates. In the past, a man with a ‘Dad BOD’ or a slightly round belly was not assumed to also be a fitness enthusiast, sporting a chiselled physique, next to being a father and working. Such presumptions did not exist. The pressure now burdens both genders, instigating tension within partnerships due to the discomforting understanding that bodies alter with time and we no longer retain our former appearances.
In marriages where the sexual spark has dwindled, it’s seldom an issue if both parties are notably aware of their “inactive bedroom” and do not view its lack as a hindrance to their future happiness. However, problems emerge when one partner, consumed by its absence, desires sexual connection only to end up feeling exasperated, dismissed and deserted.
“Following their wedding, many couples experience a considerable decline in their sexual drive, particularly for those with children,” points out Kavanagh. “For many pairs who have offspring, sex gets deprioritised and sometimes is never restored as a key component of their relationship. This results in considerable changes.”
[Intimacy between two individuals amounts to more than just sexual interaction]
“The way sex is marketed to us and its perceived necessity in a relationship contributes to the pressure. If a man expects to be sexually active with his partner, who may well be too occupied caring for their children or playing a more significant role in the running of the household than himself, in addition to possibly also being in full-time work, and she is unable or unwilling to comply with his expectation, he is left feeling discontent. He becomes increasingly frustrated and irritated, which may manifest itself in ways that lead her to feel guilt-ridden and inadequate.”
The sexual activity amongst Irish couples doesn’t seem to be shattering stereotypes when considering the stagnating frequency of sex. Data in this area appears sluggish in mirroring the evolving sexual conduct over generations. The most extensive research conducted is from back in 2006, titled the “Irish Study of Sexual Health and Relationships”, which is the biggest national survey on sexual awareness, attitudes and behaviour carried out in Ireland. It disclosed that 50% of wedded individuals were sexually active less than once per week, and a grand 58% of people generally have sex less than once a week.
In the United States, the situation isn’t drastically improved. A study conducted by the Archives of Sexual Behaviour in 2018, incorporating a sample size of 18,000 people, deduced that over 15% of marital pairs hadn’t been sexually active the year prior. Moreover, an astonishing 13.5% hadn’t shared intimate experiences with their significant other for five years. In 2019, further research emerged from the Journals of Gerontology. They examined 1,900 married adults from age 57-85 and discovered that 40% hadn’t engaged in sex in the previous year.
Eithne Bacuzzi, a relationship counsellor boasting a career spanning two decades, and specialist in psychosexual therapy based in Sandyford, Dublin, states that the popular belief of heightened sexual activity among younger generations doesn’t hold water.
She opines that there exists a misconceived notion that people in their thirties are very forthright about their sexual lives, but the real intimacy often causes discomfort. Bacuzzi insists that successful sexual relationships hinge on communication and mutual fulfilment of needs.
“We each hold the key to our own sexual fulfilment,” Bacuzzi states. Women cannot merely pin the absence of sex on their male counterpart. Instead, they need to understand their desires and communicate them effectively. However, often women themselves are unaware of their sexual preferences due to a lack of understanding of their sexual cycle. Bacuzzi works with these women to help them understand their bodies and preferences better. It’s not an issue of libido but rather the dearth of personal bodily knowledge, insists Bacuzzi.
Technology often takes over the one opportunity couples have for intimacy in the evening, usually when their children are asleep. Couples might spend their time next to each other, engrossed with a television screen instead. Regardless if they are observing unrealistic depictions of passionate encounters or sizzling scenes from the latest season of Bridgerton, viewing partners frequently find themselves yearning, yet hesitant to take action.
Langan points out that a natural ebb and flow in sexual activity is common in relationships, but this aspect is not often represented in the media. Clearly, satisfying intimacy has numerous health benefits and can fortify a relationship. However, the emphasis should not only be on the quantity of sex, but the quality, as well as the overall health of the relationship. Problems with intimacy in a relationship may reflect wider relationship issues, as opposed to just sexual ones.
In addition, Kavanagh states that it’s common knowledge that couples with televisions in their bedroom usually have a third less sexual activity than those who don’t. This statistic preceded the era of streaming services, laptops, and pre-sleep social media browsing. Technology impacts us mentally, which can increase difficulties in bedroom intimacy. If one partner is ready for intimacy, but the other is absorbed in their social media feed, their mindset may not be ready for such activities. This can lead to frustration in the relationship and decreases intimacy in the long run.
Moreover, most people have likely been on their phones while watching television, disengaging from each other, with no common topics to initiate conversation. Attempting to be amorous later can be tough as there’s been no connection earlier. This can disrupt intimacy within a relationship.
It’s also quite common for men to secretly view pornography, either unbeknownst to their partners or with their partners being vaguely aware yet not addressing it. It’s tempting to think that other couples, particularly celebrity ones, may be in a better situation.
Couples across the globe breathed a collective sigh of relief last year when celebrity couple Robbie Williams and his wife Ayda announced that their sexual life had diminished considerably after being married for 14 years. Robbie revealed to The Sun newspaper that he had stopped using testosterone, which had led to a decline in his sex drive. He added that despite Ayda’s occasional suggestive remarks, his interest in sex was minimal.
Generation stress is a term used to describe the current generation, who are often referred to as the ‘sandwich generation’. Parenthood longevity is increasing, responsibilities are growing and these in-between-aged individuals are bogged down by familial obligations, children, romantic partnerships, stressful careers, and their own ageing parents. These components form a potentially damaging cocktail, according to Bacuzzi.
Many reports have discussed the negative impacts that may arise if couples grow apart. This is especially critical when one half of the partnership desires intimacy and possesses a high libido, and thus turns to pornography to fulfil their desires. The British communications regulator, Ofcom, reported in 2021 that 50% of British adults turned to pornography during the 2020 pandemic lockdowns, with approximately 15 million individuals visiting Pornhub, a number similar to the viewership of the BBC news.
Often, men discreetly watch porn whilst their partners either possess vague cognizance of the situation or completely disregard the activity. A situation described by Kavanagh, states the woman may know about her partner’s activity but chooses to ignore it, knowing that she goes to bed at 10, while he joins her an hour later.
According to Langan, it is essential to note that there are numerous reasons why the level of physical intimacy may wane post-marriage. By pinpointing these issues, which could range from lifestyle stress to health concerns, partners can reignite the passion that might have faded over time.
Throughout the journey of a relationship, partners often confront trials relating to economic insecurity, progeny concerns, nurturing their children, caring for ageing parents, occupational stress, as well as their own physical and mental health problems. External elements as well as internal relationship dynamics, such as feelings of disconnection, being taken for granted, isolation and communication issues can contribute to sexual intimacy becoming neglected. The key to improving sexual intimacy often lies in addressing broader relationship issues, adjusting expectations, acknowledging the ups and downs, maintaining open dialogue with your significant other, being intimate in other ways, and communicating. The initiation of sensuality isn’t restricted to the confines of the bedroom alone.
[Spotting and treating an addiction to pornography or sexual activity]
Bacuzzi observes that imposing limits for couples who are undergoing a sexual stalemate can frequently reveal hidden intimacy difficulties.
In a light-hearted spirit, she recounts, “If I instruct couples who haven’t been sexually intimate in years to refrain from sex for a fortnight or so, they would return the following week, their expressions revealing disbelief, exclaiming, ‘You are driving us to our graves,’ since they’ve actually engaged in sexual activity. It is akin to exposing a child to a candy store. They would confess, ‘We couldn’t resist and succumbed earlier than expected, so please forgive us for jumping ahead in the programme.’ After returning to proceed with the remainder of the programme, they sense a spell has been lifted, and that they’ve successfully identified and addressed the problem. I often query, ‘Was it like tackling the elephant in the room?,’ to which they respond affirmatively, highlighting the pitfalls of avoiding issues in a relationship.”