The public has been expressing concern about the apparent disappearance of Catherine, Princess of Wales, more informally known as Kate Middleton. Their queries have been met by silence, only broken by an alleged sighting of her on a Monday, riding in a car with her mother. However, the agitation isn’t about her whereabouts but rather represents society’s presumptuousness in feeling deserving of answers.
An explanation has, in fact, already been given. Royal authorities notified us that the princess is currently unwell and is not inclined to disclose more about her health situation. Further information will be released when it is deemed substantial enough to share.
The author of the official statement tactfully refrained from asking everyone to back off for now, but the sentiment was implied.
In other news, Twitter temporarily reverted to its former jovial self due to a couple of simultaneous incidents that distracted users from the grim atmosphere. The first arose from an ill-conceived “immersive” Willy Wonka experience, priced at a steep €40. Attendees were promised an entrancing environment where their “dreams would turn into reality”. However, the reality was a deflated bouncy castle in an unadorned warehouse in Glasgow, coupled with a performer hastily hiding behind an object to send a distress signal to her mother via text. The internet responded in kind, flooding social media with amusing memes about the sad state of affairs.
The hilarity was escalated by the uproar about Princess Catherine’s whereabouts happening alongside. The internet beautifully mirrors human absurdity, and humorous posts about such incidents only accentuate this fact.
With its unique blend of exaggerated irony, the internet has flipped conspiracy stories related to comas, divorces, addiction and hidden doubles. Catherine, it is speculated, was in fact taking a break to recover from a Brazilian Butt Lift operation. Though highly popular among reality-TV style social media stars, its practicality for a woman whose job partly involves attending the launch of various infrastructure while dressed elegantly remains questionable.
If it wasn’t recovery from such a cosmetic procedure, theories floated around her keeping a low profile to grow out a hair mistake, or leading a double existence as the artist Banksy or the drummer for a metal band named Slipknot. Some rumors even suggested she decided to give the royal family the cold shoulder to tour the UK in a makeshift Transit van. The most believable, and indeed wholesome, explanation came from Kristin Mulrooney: “My three children are about the same age as Kate Middleton’s. I’m fairly certain she’s just hiding in the loo pretending to use the facilities for an extended period of time.”
Whether she’s recuperating post-operation or browsing these posts from the privacy of her loo, the most fitting reaction to enquiries about her activities would be “nunya”, short for “none of your business”, a quintessentially calm Australian response to unwarranted curiosity.
Despite the argument played that taxpayers foot part of her life, and she technically serves public interests, one should remember that even public servants are entitled to sick leave. Good luck to anyone attempting to breach that right and facing the wrath of their union.
The constant bombardment of media has intensified our curiosity, worsened by the 2000s era of relentless paparazzi and celebrity rumours, further amplified by the expected nature of observing private lives on social media.
We’re all too eager to deduce if a divorce is looming when a local woman alters her profile picture from one with her spouse to a solo-selfie containing ambiguous phrases about self-love. Him not being seen since their all-inclusive Tenerife holiday seems to signal trouble. Who can blame them? A 7am flight can indeed strain any relationship.
Our preoccupation with meddling in the affairs of others while neglecting ours has led us to overlook, except in a handful of instances, that we have no right to access the confidential medical data of strangers. This isn’t even the first occasion where Kate Middleton has seemingly “vanished”. In the previous year, 2021, captions stated, “Public sightings of Kate Middleton have been absent for 60 days”. This incited a Today Show presenter to query, “Has the Duchess of Cambridge gone into hiding?”.
The answer turned out to be negative. Neither was she secretly expecting a fourth child. That said, Slipknot were on a European tour that same year, making this a potential reason for her absence.