Inadvertently over the years, I’ve become a seasoned possessor of ADHD. My decision to publicly declare my diagnosis was driven by one sole purpose – to expose and discuss the woefully inadequate support on offer for neurodiverse adults within the public assistance systems. To the misfortune of both myself and the Government, conditions have not ameliorated to a level where I can cease criticizing it, relish my existence, and move on to more rewarding hobbies such as engaging in paint-by-numbers renditions of Daniel O’Donnell for instance.
Due to my consistent protesting, individuals occasionally approach me for guidance on how to negotiate dealings with neurodiverse colleagues, relatives, or mates. I’ve been consulted on a few occasions on how to direct people like myself or how to maximise their potential. I am fully in favour of proposing equitable adjustments, sharing contacts of specialists, and giving recommendations on resources, all aimed at ensuring everyone has a fair shot at succeeding.
However, it would be refreshing for a change to have an occupational therapist or a behavioural psychologist draft a manual for us on how to steer through interactions with neurotypicals and gain insight about their preferred methods. I’d be delighted to attend a workplace seminar entitled “Neurotypicals: They’re just decent folk doing their best (although they can be somewhat passive aggressive.)”
Ultimately, we are all God’s creation, including neurotypicals with their strange obsessions about demonstrative organisation and punctuality. They may lack the ability to hyper-focus on work or passionately discuss their particular interests, but they don’t fail to remember to take the laundry out of the washing machine before it begins to emit a foul odour. We should embrace our disparities even though they can sometimes be a handful to deal with. And on that note, an observation:
Their words don’t always reflect their true thoughts.
In my experience, one distinguishable trait stands out amongst the rest, one that should be considered seriously. We might label this as dishonesty, however, for those typical in their neurological wiring, they may resist such a harsh term, instead framing it as “courtesy”. Consider an instance when you run into an acquaintance who, upon saying their goodbyes, suggests, “we should grab a coffee sometime” or “you should come round for a meal”, perhaps they want nothing of the sort. They may in fact wish to avoid you completely for the remainder of their existence but don’t wish to seem abrasive. Hence, they extend an invitation for a get-together that will never occur. This seems a more palatable option. It’s also worth being mindful that people indeed do become occupied and might still have a genuine interest in catching up despite not being proactive in making it happen, so refrain from making cynical assumptions if plans fall through. If after several attempts they continually fail to meet up, let it be their responsibility to propose an alternate time. Avoid over-analysing the situation and move forward. Endeavouring to gauge their true opinion of you based on behavioural clues is a common activity among neurotypicals but can also be stress inducing and uninteresting.
There’s a possibility they may not be interacting with you and could be upset that you haven’t recognised it. Neurotypicals, though we cherish them, frequently have fixed world views and tend to believe everyone perceives things just like they do. Even though they assume they’ve given you ample warning that your actions have upset them, you might continue to remain oblivious. Rather than admitting, “I’m angered by you and this is a specified list of transgressions along with some reparations,” they could choose to remain entirely silent. Or, when asked, they might even affirm that “everything’s alright”. They may become angry if you take their word for it. Our prevalent object impermanence means that, out of our immediate visibility or cognition, we can simply forget about items or people. Time ticks and disputes may ensue, but we’d be ignorant to them. We would only surmise that our co-worker, companion or significant other is preoccupied and will establish contact at a suitable time.
Awkward situations are something they manage to tolerate poorly.
The nerve-wracking tendencies of our humble little lambs make it quite difficult for them to articulate their feelings articulately, be that regarding a professional advancement you’re unlikely to attain or the abrupt termination of your dating series. They’d choose to evade directness rather than undergo the discomfort of raw honesty. However, there are times when benevolence demands you to be the stronger one and shatter your own heart on their behalf. A gentle and thoughtful way I’ve found to handle it is offering them an elegant exit: “Hello, I’ve not heard anything regarding my past request. Did you proceed with someone else? It’s absolutely alright if that’s the case; I just need confirmation so I can move forward onto something meant for me.”
So step out, question about someone’s weekend without actual interest in the response, and express your desire to reconnect with a workmate even when you’re certain you won’t. You’ll earn the gratitude of the neurotypicals in your life.