Dear Roe,
My current relationship, which spans approximately five years, is with a gentleman who shares my attitudes towards life and works within the same organisation as me. However, his mother has become the source of issues. Despite having her own finances and receiving alimony from her divorced husband, his mother excessively spends on her vanity and constantly leans on his kindness to fund her opulent way of life. This has left him in financial hardship, as he is unable to afford new clothing or adventures and holidays because he dissipates his additional earnings on maintaining her narcissistic habits.
She employs a varied array of emotional techniques to manipulate, leaving me bereft of patience and inclined to avoid her direct company. I’ve been asked for financial assistance on two instances, none of which has been repaid to me. His salary surpasses mine, but her continuous pleas for monetary aid leave him empty-handed. I find myself in a state of frustration, uncertain of how to proceed. Every time we attempt to engage in a conversation about this, it results in hostilities. Consequently, we are unable to plan or save for our future, let alone a home. His conflict with his mother is causing continual strain on our relationship as time goes by, despite my love for him, I’m unsure how much longer I can persist with this unreasonable saga.
However, it’s crucial to address the situation from a different perspective. You perceive the mother as the problem, but the real dilemma lies within your boyfriend’s fiscal management and blurred boundaries. It’s causing dissatisfaction and frustration in your relationship, impeding your attempt to even visualise your desired future.
You may dismiss this as irrelevant or semantic, but how you conceptualise this issue will dictate your response and the elements you prioritise. As of now, your focus has been on aspects that slightly affect you, and, in fact, are in many respects, not your concern.
Your annoyance over your partner’s mother getting funds from her ex-spouse is irrelevant and none of your concern. It is not clear whether she’s legally entitled to it, if it’s an agreement between them, or even a recognition for the sacrifices she made for her family that possibly affected her career progress and financial gain. Your concern should not be focused on the financial dealings of your partner’s father and his ex-wife. Additionally, her spending habits are not for you to judge, as an independent adult, she has the right to spend her earned money however she chooses. Her choice of beauty products, for example, has no effect on you.
Your attention should be on how your boyfriend utilises his money, how he uses your funds, his financial planning, and whether he shares your financial views and ambitions. If you both are moving towards the same future goals then these should be your concerns.
While you may believe that she is the root of all these issues and therefore must be confronted, gaining focus on her would continually derail your discussions and is likely why you and your boyfriend end up arguing. It’s unclear as to why he feels obligated to give her money which he can ill-afford to part with, and the complexities of their relationship. However, criticising his mother will only make him defensive and more protective of her.
Shift your focus to your own relationship and your future plans. Presently, he has borrowed money from you and has not repaid it. His financial decisions are the reason his resources are tight, which affects shared experiences such as vacations. Are there other consequences, including your ability to socialise or living conditions?
Furthermore, consider the future. Your desire to have a home seems unattainable due to his financial situation. Are there other aspects of your future you feel are at risk? Such as desires to travel, have children, a retirement fund or creating savings that will give you security and options.
Reflect on what you desire from a relationship and your expectations for the future. You should concentrate on what truly matters to you, which entails avoiding distractions from minor issues and not wavering on your key priorities. Encourage your boyfriend to do the same, expressing a desire for a sincere, courteous, and open-minded dialogue. Carve out some undisturbed time for one another and establish beforehand that both of you will actively listen and work cooperatively to decipher any challenges, rather than resorting to negative confrontations.
In this discussion, utilise “I” statements to clearly express your emotions and aspirations. Refrain from mentioning his mother, instead approach the problem from a financial planning perspective and how it affects you. Subsequently, invite your boyfriend to share his feelings and intentions. For example, you could state: “I would really prefer for us to be able to have holidays together. However, the inability to allocate a budget for this makes me feel we’re missing out on significant bonding time and new experiences. How do you perceive this, and do you believe this is something we can surmount? How?” When discussing your future, utilise a similar method, querying how he envisions progressing towards your mutual ambitions as a couple.
In the event he fails to craft a feasible plan congruent with your objectives, inform him that his monetary decisions are neglecting your relationship and shared future. Pose a question about whether he wishes to amend that. If he makes reference to his mother, respond objectively and composedly, employing a focus on how his monetary donations are detrimentally influencing your shared life and relationship. This situation will only be rectified if he consents to a radical reevaluation of his budget and his relationship boundaries with his mother.
Should he agree to transform his current situation, he needs to devise a strategy and promptly commence its execution, potentially by consulting a therapist and a financial consultant and creating a thoughtful plan for a conversation with his mother (which might necessitate providing her with budgeting and financial guidance too.) However, if he is disinclined to modify his current modus operandi or isn’t prepared to develop or adhere to an action plan, then it appears your priorities and visions for the future no longer coincide.
It seems as though you have been deferring numerous dreams and objectives. Ponder what genuinely matters to you and what you need from a relationship to assist you in achieving these.